1. The “favorite things” (aka the only tame stage of the night).
You’re still in the hotel room pregaming and are insistent that all drinking games should revolve around the bride (because, duh). You play a game in which everyone says her favorite thing about the bride. Cue: tears. Cue: shots. It’s a great way to get the night going.
2. The stage when you feel like a terrible person for drinking because there’s a pregnant girl in the bachelorette party.
This brings on the age-old question: What the fuck are you doing with your life? This woman is a sacred vessel who’s creating a life and you’re deciding whether you should keep drinking whisky, or whether you’re willing to incur the risk of switching to vodka. (Embrace this stage and accept that every woman is at a different point in her life. Also, protect the pregnant girl when you get to the bar from spillage and aggressively dancing strangers.)
3. The stage when you decided which SATC/Bridesmaids/Mean Girls characters everyone would be.
Don’t lie. There’s always a Regina George of the friend group. What? It’s okay if it’s you. Own it. And while we’re on this topic, if you’re the Regina George, it’s entirely probable that you’re also the Miranda, because those roles seem to translate. There’s some serious room for an existential conversation during this stage.
4. The “Do you think you’ll marry the guy you’re with?” stage.
This is a conversation best had over Moscow mules because you need something you can chug after hearing this loaded question. With marriage on the brain and a no-texts-to-the-fiancé ban in place, the other men in your lives are bound to come up. You will end up in a heart-to-heart about whether or not you’re ready with a girl you hardly know but are already obsessed with.
5. The awkward pre-nup discussion stage.
Friend in law school, this is undeniably your time to shine. This conversation will be brief and will involve gross overuse of the expression, “get yours.”
6. The “DO YOU WANNA JOIN OUR PARTY?” stage.
You’re on to tequila at this point and all of the sudden that random ass, potentially creepy stranger standing next to you looks a lot like your new best friend. Obviously, you have to invite him to join your posse of 14 girls. After all, just because you’re drunk doesn’t mean you aren’t a charming lady with impeccable manners. So you hollaaaaa (read: screech) at him to see if he’d like to be part of your shindig. He politely declines. Loser.
7. The “Help, we lost the bride” stage.
It’s not a great feeling when you think you’ve lost the girl you’re supposed to be looking out for. Mix that feeling with all the gin rolling around in your stomach and it’s enough to make anyone a little nauseous. Luckily, the bride’s probably right behind you. Or fighting her way on to the stage because she is in it to win it.
8. The “When am I going to meet someone?” stage.
The wedding is less than a month away and you still don’t have a date. Don’t worry, tequila will help you find one.
9. The “Hey, how come we didn’t get a stripper?” stage.
This is the point in the evening when you can say pretty much anything and not have to worry about the repercussions because let’s be honest, no one’s remembering anything after stage #8.
10. The “You’re so beautiful” stage.
This happens throughout the night in your head and starts getting verbalized at the end of the night. You just can’t get over the fact that this beautiful woman who you’ve known since she was literally skipping down hallways in high school is getting ready to walk down the aisle. She’s just going to be such a vision and deserves endless happiness and you just can’t contain yourself and CAN WE GET ANOTHER ROUND OVER HERE PLEASE?