1. You don’t know how many Kardashians there are and you really don’t care. You know the Jenners are affiliated with them, but you don’t understand how they fit into the equation.
2. You are known for having one drink at the bar. Red wine: Pinot, or Cab Sauv if you’re feeling really adventurous.
3. If you’re not in the mood for wine: Whiskey straight up. No, of course you don’t want it on the rocks. It’s cold enough already and you’re not trying to pay that 50-cent upcharge.
4. You have a blanket that sits on the back of your chair at work because the air conditioning situation in your office is out of control.
5. You make terrible puns and they’re always intentional.
6. You don’t want a lot of gifts for your birthday or Christmas because you’re convinced you have too much stuff.
7. It’s not that you wouldn’t be down to get high, it’s that rolling a joint sounds like a lot of effort that you just can’t muster. So unless Tom Petty wants to waltz in and do it for you, it’s probably not going to happen.
8. And on that subject, most of the appeal of smoking a bowl is the late night cookies you’ll order after.
9. When your favorite oldies station plays three Beatles songs and instead of being like “oh weird, three in a row” you’re all, “awesome! It must be triple play Thursday.”
10. Your spirit animal is Liz Lemon and you actively miss 30 Rock at least once a week.
11. You will leave a restaurant if their music is too loud because you find it too distracting and actually want to be able to make conversation.
12. You’re not trying to have sex tonight because you already listened to an entire Bruce Springsteen album on the way home from work and it pretty much got you where need to be.
13. When T. Swift’s “Style” video came out you needed someone to explain to you who Harry Styles is.
14. You refuse to go to a bar without appropriate seating options. Standing is hard.
15. You gravitate toward cute, hip neighborhoods like Silver Lake or Park Slope: 10% because it’s up-and-coming and 90% because it’s quieter than the rest of the city.
16. Your idea of getting down on Friday is buying an extra box of Girl Scout cookies.
17. You’re too lazy to put on a cami under your low-cut shirt, but you don’t feel like showing too much cleavage, so you just put a scarf on over your outfit and hope that suffices.
18. Yeah, okay, let have sex, but can we keep it quick? Mama’s got work in the morning.
19. Of course you remembered the sunscreen. Is that even a question?
20. You ask your friends to text you when they’ve arrived at their destination because you need to make sure they got home safely.
21. The last concert you went to was Bob Dylan.
22. You regularly use professional jargon in emails to your friends. You email them to “circle back” about happy hour on Thursday.
23. You’re still mourning the lost of your college planner and keep at least 3 different datebooks to compensate. You have digital reminders set on your phone, computer or both. Then you have a datebook, that you spent way too much on, and you have a regularly notebook where you write daily to do lists.
24. You like to be clear that you are NOT the mom of the group. The mom is the one that rallies everyone on a Friday night. You have no interest in rallying anyone. You have no interest in rallying yourself. You’re not getting off the couch.
25. When someone tells you you’re going to a fancy club, you refuse to change your outfit and your idea of getting dolled up is putting on red lipstick. Also, clubbing? You’re not going to last more than an hour. Maybe you should just stay home.