When everyone else got boobs I was still the resident 13-year-old Popsicle stick. I was a competitive gymnast and it wasn’t exactly helping my growth. I eventually quit and things happened pretty quickly. To make a long story short: Had my boobs been scored in Harry Potter OWL terms, they would’ve Exceeded Expectations. As I’m not one to complain about the blessings in my life, I’ve always been a huge fan of my boobs. But when women like what’s on their chest, it tends to give others license to join the fan club. I’m not opposed to that idea, but there’s a line. Here are 20 times when you’ve crossed it:
1. Glancing down in the workplace.
This can be frustrating anywhere of course, but it’s particularly out of line at work. If we’re trying to say something in a meeting and you’re looking directly at our chest, it’s off putting and violates pretty much every HR guideline in the book.
2. Asking if they’re real.
Short answer: Yes. But even if they weren’t, in what circumstance is it appropriate for you to ask that question?
3. Asking if you can touch them to make sure they’re real.
Did you really just ask if you could feel me up? (On the other hand, thank you for actually asking, instead of assuming that would be acceptable.)
4. When you ask what bra size we wear and then act like we’re lying when we respond.
Don’t bother asking if you’re not prepared for the answer. There’s no chance a girl with big boobs would lie to you about her bra size. She doesn’t have to.
5. Telling us to pull up our shirt or to “leave some room for the imagination.”
Don’t ever tell us what we can or can’t show. And also, why don’t you go try to find a cami, v-neck or tank top of any kind that fits our boobs?
6. Alluding to the fact that we probably weigh more because of our breasts.
The whole tear her down to build her up thing is really not something you want to try. We already know how nice our racks are.
7. Telling us after the relationship or hook-up ends that you miss our boobs.
Yeah, because that’s what we want to hear after a relationship that we put effort into ends. You miss our boobs. Not our support, or the way we listened. No. That’s nothing compared to the support our boobs provided.
8. Talk directly to the boobs.
Whether this is done intentionally or unconsciously, it’s a turn off 8 times out of 10. I won’t tell you not to try, but the odds aren’t in your favor.
9. Telling us we have it SO easy.
I’m sorry, did you have stretch marks on your boobs when you were a teenager? Have you ever had to deal with someone you really liked telling you they were actually just into you for your boobs?
10. Bring them up completely out of the blue.
It’s acceptable to bring up boobs in the right context. Honestly, I’ve been known to talk about my cleavage enough that it sets a precedent amongst close friends that it’s an acceptable subject. But if you’re not one of the people who has the go-ahead to partake in boob chat, please stop.
11. Only paying attention to our boobs during sex.
It’s a perfectly good go-to strategy but that can’t be your only move. Eventually, you really need to focus on other areas.
12. Interpreting the fact that you can see some cleavage to mean we’re asking for it.
A woman showing cleavage does not mean she’s interested in sleeping with you. And it never ever ever ever gives you the right to assume that.
13. Only ever complimenting our boobs.
We’re not against the compliments. In fact, well placed compliments can be very well received. But if the only nice thing you ever have to say to us is about our breasts, that doesn’t inspire much confidence.
14. Judging us for liking or not liking our boobs.
If we like our boobs, we’re slutty. If we don’t like our boobs, we’re ungrateful. Which one is it?
15. When people ask if you have back problems because of it.
Voicing your concern on this subject will always be uncomfortable. It just says you’ve been thinking about our rack for the entire conversation and then in an effort to play it off, you decided, “Does your back ever hurt?” would be a good line.
16. When people ask if it alienates other women.
That’s not a thing. Big-chested women and flat-chested woman coexist in perfect harmony. It’s this weird crazy thing called any normal friendship.
17. Complaining when we’re covered up.
You cannot bitch at me for wearing a scarf. Recently, I’ve been growing my hair out and just had someone tell me they wanted me to keep the short hair so the view of my chest wouldn’t be obstructed. Needless to say I’m never cutting my hair again.
18. Pointing out that we’re falling out of our bathing suits a little.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise that flimsy triangles, even if they’re supposedly XL, do not accommodate women with big boobs. If a woman chooses to wear the top anyway, then you should assume that she knows exactly what her boobs look like in it.
19. When someone comments on a photo telling you your boobs look bigger than your face.
To any variation of that, our response will always be: …………what?
20. When someone says anything along the lines of “I’m more into butts.”
Mazel tov. But that’s just a super creepy way of saying that you’ve been staring at our boobs for the last five minutes.