1. A Whole New World – Aladdin
It starts by Aladdin asking Jasmine if she wants to go for a ride on his magic carpet. She asks if it’s safe (nice job, girl) and he’s says it is if you trust him. UHM OKAY? Aladdin boasts that he can open her eyes and show her the world. A whole new one, in fact, a dazzling place I never knew.
A few quotes to consider:
“Don’t you dare close your eyes.” – Performance issues.
“Indescribable feeling.” – Optimistic.
“Hold your breath it gets better” – does it though? It’s your first time.
2. Let It Go – Frozen
If you listen to this song without any context, it’s clearly about a girl getting over a long relationship and moving on. She’s trying not to care what anyone thinks and just be strong. The cold never bothered her anyway. It’s time to see what she can do… without you.
3. I Just Can’t Wait To Be King – The Lion King
They start off by trying to get rid of the adult supervision: “So how we gonna ditch the dodo?”
And before this song starts, Zazu drops the bomb that they’re betrothed. Zazu casts a few too many aspersions on Simba’s manhood. Simba doesn’t take it well and has something to prove.
Also, “Oh I Just Can’t Wait To Be King” sounds overly misogynistic. Ugh, if this is where the monarchy is headed, count me out.
4. I’ll Make a Man Out Of You – Mulan
Okay again, this works out of context. This could definitely be about someone about to have sex, if you take away the part about defeating the Huns. Also, if Mulan were anything like Divergent, Mulan would’ve made out with the hot trainer at the end of the scene.
5. Colors of the Wind – Pocahontas
“You think you own whatever land you plant on.” BUT YOURE WRONG, JOHN SMITH. You don’t own anyone. Also, during the song they “roll in all the riches all around you” and end up tenderly embraced. We all know where that went next.
6. Prince Ali – Aladdin
Make way for Prince Ali. He’s such a gift that he needs a parade to announce his arrival. There’s a line in this song in which all the girls comment on how fabulous his peacocks are. And sooOOOoo handsome is he, Prince Ali.
7. Circle of Life
It’s not dirty, but it’s still generally about sex and the bringing of life. It’s beautiful, okay? Sure, the sex was for the purpose of carrying on a monarchy, but they were the good guys. Plus, it’s the circle of life and it moves us all.
8. Two Worlds – Tarzan
Let’s start off with: “Trust your heart, let fate decide.” And then consider, “a paradise untouched by a man” and, “only love can enter here.” Case closed.
9. Be Our Guest – Beauty and the Beast
They’re inviting you to put their service to the test, which is a win in my books. After all, miss, this is France.
And the line, “the dinner here is never second best”? There are a lot of words you could use to replace “dinner.” They even acknowledge the innuendo: They call it a culinary cabaret. Good move, using food as a turn on.
10. Can You Feel The Love Tonight? – The Lion King
Watch this scene again. Simba and Nala are all over each other. And Nala knows what she wants.
At one point, Timon voices his concern about Simba by saying, “he’ll fall in love tonight.” Let’s be honest, what was he really trying to say? He’s worried about Simba loosing his virginity to Nala, falling for her, and leaving his sidekicks behind. (Don’t shoot the messenger, you know I’m right.)
11. Happy Ending – Little Mermaid
Half the Disney movies have an ending overture with this title, or some variation. Our. Poor. Parents.
12. Arabian Nights
There’s something about the way they sing this that just makes it sensual. The way the guy’s leaning into “come on down, stop on by, to another Arabian night” makes it alluring in a way that’s not suited for children. Also, Arabian nights “more often than not are hotter than hot.” Come on.
13. A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes
I hate to do this to your childhood… but put this song in the context of a 12-year-old boy’s mind and see what happens.
“What kind of a dream? Mmmmmm. Can’t tell.”