20 Things You Say To Your Bestie While Facebook Stalking Your Ex’s New Girlfriend
1. “It’s not that she’s unattractive, she just looks a little stiff. Like, she’s pretty in a 50s housewife type way. Or a really nice looking librarian.”
2. “Could you be more supportive please? Having a false sense of superiority is going to help me move on and you need to stay here and stop me from doing anything rash.”
3. “She definitely doesn’t have a come and get it kind of vibe.”
4. “Unless that’s part of her appeal. That’s totally it. She looks all uptight and put together but she’s actually down to get dirty at any time of day. So that’s what he sees in her.”
5. “They must have so much more sex than we did. THIS IS A DISASTER.”
6. “WHAT? Why can I only see 3 of her profile pictures? Who uses privacy settings these days?”
7. “Is there a way to hack Facebook so I can see more of her photos? Why didn’t they teach us that in 11th grade computer classes? Oh you’re right, I’ll just check Instagram.”
8. “She has a cat? That proves that they’re incompatible. He is such a dog person. We were totally going to get a dog. Okay, sorry, I’m stopping. I’m composed. I’m NOT getting upset.”
9. “HOW MANY FUCKING PICTURES OF CATS DOES THIS CHICK HAVE?”
10. “Do you think he’s serious about her? I can deal with him just having a fling to get over me because hey, I’m probably hard to get over, but he can’t be in a serious relationship forever. That’s just not an option.”
11. “It makes me so mad that he now has his act together enough to get her flowers. Look at those roses! Those actually cost real money. Do you know what he bought me with real money? Literally nothing.”
12. “Oh no, I think I just actually friended her. Oh sweet Jesus, what have I done?”
13. “False alarm. My bad. Thank you for putting up with me.”
14. “She doesn’t seem very savvy on social media so it’s probably not worth checking to see if she has a Twitter.”
15. “I really wish I could see more of her face in this picture.”
16. “She was clearly in a sorority. I’ve heard him talk about how much he hates sorority girls. He can’t possibly be serious about her.”
17. “Do you think she gets her hair colored?”
18. “I’m definitely prettier, right? You’re not just saying that because it’s your job, right?”
19. “It just drives me crazy that their circumstance lead them to the right place at the right time and my circumstance lead me to be the girl watching it play out on Facebook.”
20. “I wonder what she does for a living. Can I just check her LinkedIn real quick?”