34 Thoughts Every New Professional Seems To Have At A Work Or Networking Event

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Alagich Katya
  1. Do I have to wear the nametag if my name’s spelled incorrectly?
  2.  Even if I changed my name to something less confusing, they’d probably still spell it wrong.
  3. Oh God, I see people. I’m not ready for this.
  4. Oh sweet, you just want to talk about yourself. I can handle this.
  5. Oh, really? You’re getting a promotion? That’s really fucking fabulous for you.
  6. I get that you’re better at schmoozing than I am, but I’m a force to be reckoned with when it comes to Sudoku.
  7. I can’t believe I skipped happy hour for this.
  8. The red wine stain around my mouth is making me look like an alcoholic, which is totally unfair because I’ve only taken 3 sips of this drink.
  9. Maybe there won’t actually be a presentation. It doesn’t seem like the AV equipment’s working.
  10. Seriously, why do presentations about “coworkers” and “workplace culture” always feature a slide about millennials?
  11. Oh sweet, now everyone over the age of 32 is starring at me. Really chill, guys.
  12. Should I try to meet that guy from the up-and-coming company I’ve been stalking on LinkedIn, or should I just go grab like 8 more chicken skewers?
  13. Why do people think spinach dip is finger-food? It leaves spinach in your teeth and an awkward white stain on your clothes.
  14. Wow, I wish I could get over that “awkward white stain” imagery.
  15. “Hi, I’m Maya. I graduated last month and— “Okay, you’re not listening.”
  16. They shouldn’t put out a buffet at these things. Given the choice to mingle with people or mingle with food, I’m always going to choose food.
  17. Networking music is the love child from the affair between Dido’s first album and the elevator music from “Night at the Roxbury.”
  18. Oh yeah, guy? You’re staring at my nametag that just happens to be ON my cleavage because you’re trying to figure out how to pronounce my last name? No one’s buying that.
  19. Is there an HR rep around here?
  20. Actually, my name is pretty confusing. I should be nicer.
  21. No one in the history of ever has actually gotten hired at one of these events.
  22. I’m just never going to be at my best in this kind of environment. Can’t we just go get a drink or something?
  23. So, about that girl who keeps insisting we’ve met before… is it bad that I have no recollection of that meeting?
  24. Yeah, please, tell me again how your entry-level job is actually way better than it sounds.
  25. Dear friendly-looking man who just asked me about one of the lecture points, what makes you think I was listening?
  26. All this smiling is really starting to make my check bones hurt.
  27. If I eat the tomato off this caprese skewer, what are the chances I’ll squirt tomato guts everywhere?
  28. I’m so sick of people who say I look like “I’m not enjoying myself” at these things. Maybe I just have a distinctly neutral face.
  29. If I have one more conversation about Macs versus PCs, I’m going to strangle someone.
  30. Oh those girls look nice! Maybe if I just lean in and start nodding and smiling, people will think I’m part of their conversation. Oh sick, I’m nailing this.
  31. No, I will not tell you where I live. I can already sense that you live in a better neighborhood and I refuse to give you that validation.
  32. I should slip some of those desserts into my bag on the way out.
  33. PRAISE THE LORD, IT’S ALMOST OVER. MY FEET ARE KILLING ME.
  34. I wonder if I can still catch the last 15 minutes of happy hour. TC mark

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