1. What are you so worried about?
Answer: Currently, I’m worried about where this conversation’s going.
2. Do you, like, breathe into paper bags sometimes?
Answer: No, my life is not actually like the episode of Friends where I leave my fiancé at the altar and then tell my parents I don’t need their money anymore.
3. Do you need a paper bag right now?
Answer: Yes, but if you want to just ball it up for me that would be great because I need something to throw at you.
4. Would you be less stressed if you were in a relationship?
Answer: Oh cool, yeah, what a chill question. NO.
5. Are you depressed?
Answer: Unless you’re someone I confide in on a regular basis, or a counselor, that’s never an appropriate question.
6. Would it help if you smoked weed?
Answer: Maybe, but there’s also a risk that it’ll backfire and I’ll end up huddled in a corner, holding my knees to my chest because I genuinely think there are spiders crawling toward me. So it’s kind of a toss up.
7. Were you always like this?
Answer: Like what? Neurotic? Yeah, pretty much.
8. What would you do if you had a panic attack in the middle of work?
Answer: I would try my best to handle myself, just like anyone else, so please stop imagining me rolling around on the floor of my cube.
9. Am I stressing you out right now?
Answer: Yes. I’d feel a lot better if you stopped speaking.
10. Are you just pretending you have anxiety to get out of doing things?
Answer: Yeah, that’s totally it. You got me.
11. Has anyone ever told you you’d be prettier if you smiled?
Answer: I was literally smiling until about a minute before you asked me that question.
12. Why do you let things get to you?
Answer: It’s just slightly more complicated than that.
13. Have you been to therapy?
Answer: Have you? ‘Cause I’d be more than happy to give you a referral.
14. Have you tried meditating?
Answer: Yes. I have a cute little meditation station and everything. Please never come to that space, because it will kill my zen when I lose focus because I’m too busy trying to strangle you.
15. Don’t you think anxiety’s just kind of trendy right now?
Answer: Just because something’s popular, doesn’t mean it’s suddenly tolerable – look at Justin Bieber.