1. Your first celebrity sighting will be when you’re wearing no make-up, walking your laundry bin through Hollywood on the way home from Launderland.
What if you only get one chance to see Mindy Kahling? You don’t want to squander it. Take solace in the fact that Mindy’s a real person too, and she probably understands that you aren’t going to be on your game 100% of the time. (This is guess work, I don’t actually know Mindy Kahling.)
2. You’ll gain 20 pounds now that you’ve discovered the Neapolitan shake and animal style everything at In-N-Out.
You can’t just get animal fries without the burger. And once you discover that you can get all three milkshake flavors rolled into one, there’s no going back. Tie in the fact that In-N-Out will be on the short list of “affordable dining options” and you’ll start to build a lasting relationship with the drive-thru staff at the In-N-Out on Sunset.
3. You won’t be able to make rent because of all the parking tickets you’ve accumulated.
If you’re still on the tarmac at LAX, let me be the first to warn you: You’re going to get a lot of parking tickets in the next month. It will suck, but you’re in good company.
4. There will be an earthquake when you’re in a parking garage, or tall apartment complex, or anywhere.
If you’re from a place where earthquakes aren’t a concern, your first few months in LA will be filled with bosses explaining proper emergency earthquake procedures. A quick summary: if you’re in bed, stay there. If you’re at the office, hide under your desk. If you’re in a parking garage, panic.
5. The jargon you picked up from Clueless will no longer be relevant.
Just try as hard as you can to meet a sassy friend named Dionne and everything will be okay.
6. You’ll never find good Indian food again.
The best Indian food I’ve found in LA is in the Trader Joe’s frozen food aisle. Go try a ramen bar instead, you won’t be disappointed.
7. You’re going to be force-fed quinoa.
It’s avoidable. Really, it is. But before you vow to avoid it, remember that quinoa is fluffy, delicious and a great way to make a salad more filling.
8. You won’t be there when all of your friends see Lance Bass sing karaoke in the valley.
This happened to me during my first month in LA and it’s still tearin’ up my heart.
9. You’re going to start saying things like, “I’m juicing today,” and all your friends back home will judge you.
Everyone you meet in LA will have a different theory on how to juice, when to juice, etc. Embrace the hilarity. Personally, I’m of the opinion that juicing is only acceptable for one meal… and then I end up eating 20 minutes later. If you’d like to try a Kreation 3-day cleanse, do it up, but juice wisely.
10. You’ll get a ticket from J-Walking, just like they do on New Girl.
Your life will be cheaper if you use a crosswalk and wait for the walk signal. Trust me.
11. You’ll never see bagels at work, because everyone brings donuts instead.
Bid farewell to the sight of Dunkin Donuts bagels and coffee in conference rooms, and get used to the idea of seeing a donut shop on every block. Fear not though, there are great bagels in LA if you know where to look. (If you need some support or a recommendation, you can contact me through my author page.)
12. You won’t be tan enough.
Not everyone in LA is tan and blonde. However, if you’re concerned you’ll be too pasty, it’s beach season all year around. (Be warned, any LA native will be affronted that you’d go to the beach in January because they’ll tell you it’s too cold. It’s not.)
13. Time will move too fast because there aren’t seasons.
Without a weather transition every 3 months, how will we keep track of how quickly time is passing? This particular fear can get metaphysical pretty fast, so save yourself the internal struggle and buy a calendar.
14. You won’t make it to your first day of work, because you’ll get stuck in traffic.
Actually, this is a perfectly rational concern.
15. When you get fired, because you never made it to work because you were stuck in traffic, you’ll end up burnt out living in Venice Beach.
Would it really be so bad? Hula-hooping your days away sounds pretty great, if you ask me.