1. When the sun is out take advantage. If there is anything that my dog loves to do more than hump the neighborhood dogs it is sitting for hours in the sun. While in college I learned that there is no better day than a beautiful spring day when everyone is out on the quad lounging around. I would always grab a book, open it up and just stare at all the girls in their white sundresses.
2. Eat whatever you want. My dog eats like it’s going to be her last goddamn meal on this planet. Not only does she eat her dog food like that, but I have never seen a living thing devour a plate of pasta like that dog and my papa is 100% Italian. Eat three donuts for breakfast, a Chinese food combo for lunch, pizza for dinner and a bacon cheeseburger after a night a drinking, nobody is going to judge you in college. After college though? You will be broke pretty quick.
4. 3. Stay up all night and play with your friends. My dog went through this phase where she would stay outside all night until 6 am; I personally called this phase college. Apparently she had a lot of friends and liked to live it up. She doesn’t do this anymore because she is too old, but it taught me that you only get to go to college once so drink as much as you want and give zero fucks until sunrise.
5. In an emergency go to the bathroom wherever. When my dog was a puppy she used to shit and piss wherever she pleased and now that she’s older she is getting back into that habit again. It just showed me that if you got to go, just find an alley and go. I’ve probably peed in every subway station in NYC and about 87 different alleys through the city of Queens. Am I proud of it? Is my dog proud of getting the runs in my sister’s room? No.
6. Unprotected sex. This is pretty simple. If you have unprotected sex you will end up with roughly 13 babies and who the fuck even wants one baby during college? I’ll answer that for you, no one.
7. You don’t have to be friends with everyone. My dog and I are very similar when it comes to making friends. We try to be nice and make a lot of friends so we can get more followers on Twitter, but if someone is going to bark in my ear and try and sniff my butt, they can politely fuck off. One of the neighborhood dogs would always bark at my dog and she would just ignore him, throw him a dirty look and walk away. I’m pretty sure her personal mantra was, act like a bitch think like a boss.
8. If it’s raining out stay in bed. My dog doesn’t like getting wet, being cold or smelling like she rolled in wet lawn mower clippings. It messes up her hair and makes for a bad day. I went to class trying to impress my lady classmates and that’s pretty hard to do when it looks like and smell like you went for a morning dip in the East River. Best thing to do is to just stay in bed and watch 9 hours of Netflix.
9. Don’t go around humping random people. For some reason my dog likes to randomly hump people, I actually think all dogs like to do this. People don’t like to get humped randomly by dogs or humans. I’ve seen my share of guys trying to randomly hump girls in the bar and it has not turned out well for them. That being said I’ve never randomly humped any girls, I just sniff their hair.