An Open Letter To My Only One

Jevgenij Voronov
Jevgenij Voronov

I don’t know your name, your face, your personality. I don’t know where you are or when will we ever meet. I don’t know if you even exist in this lifetime but a part of me is hoping that you are.

I hope you’re just somewhere roaming around this world, also wondering where to find me. I hope you do exist because I’m not sure if I can save me from myself any longer.

If you do exist, I hope you don’t find me yet. I have a lot to learn. I need time, lots of it. Because all these years, all I knew was to feel, to love, to care, to cry. I’m scared to feel again. If you find me now, I’ll probably hurt you because I’m too dumb to realize that you’re the one for me and I’m the one for you.

I’m too wounded. I’ve been through A LOT. I’ve experienced all kinds of pain that these scars on my soul still hurt like a bitch. Though I wish that you are here with me, I want you to see me when I’m already healed. I want you to be proud of me because of how strong I turned out to be and how I conquered all those painful obstacles without you helping me. I want to show you that I’m not that girl anymore- the girl who didn’t know anything about love’s rule of taking and giving. I have to be alone to know what I’m capable of giving and what I deserve to receive in return so that I’d appreciate having you in my life.

Sometimes, I really miss the feeling of being in love. Seeing my friends blush, cringe and cry because of their boyfriends make me green and lonely sometimes. It makes me wish that you get here faster so that I can finally experience the kind of love I’ve always longed for since forever.

But I guess it’s better that you haven’t arrived in my life yet because I don’t know how to be with you right now. I’ll probably do and say stupid random things that will scare you away and drive you nuts.

Despite of those lonely nights thinking of where you are, I’m happy right now because I’m single. I get to do anything and everything that I want without being scolded. I can get drunk, get lost and fool around without having to worry about what you’ll think and feel. I hope you understand that I need to be single for a while so that I will not regret not having this kind of freedom in the future. The moment when I’m finally yours, I want to be yours completely because I’ve already spent time with myself.

You won’t just be the love of my life, you will be my best friend in the whole world. I’ll tell you about my dreams, my nightmares, my likes, my dislikes, my aspirations and even my deepest and darkest secrets. I’ll tell you anything and everything without having to be scared of what you’ll say because I know that of all the people who have entered and left my life. I know that you’re the only person that will understand me completely and not leave.

We may fight and not get along sometimes. There would probably be ugly fights but I’m sure that we’ll get through it because it’s normal for two people who are madly in love with each other and without it, we won’t learn and grow together.

We are probably different people with varied interests, and that’s not a bad thing. I know we’ll still make time for each other because making each other feel happy is important for the both of us. There will be things that we enjoy doing together. I’ll spend days curled up in a blanket next to you with a bag of potato chips, a can of Dr. Pepper and a good horror movie that will make the both of us scream and hold on to each other.

However, superhero movies will always be a favorite between us and hours and hours of talking about our lives will take up most of our supposed-to-be study dates. We will have those lazy days but we will spend most of our lives travelling the world together, seeing places and experiencing cultures that we’ve only dreamed of.

You’ve probably loved a girl or two before me, and that’s okay. I’m sorry if you got hurt before and I wasn’t there when you were trying to make the pain go away.

Before you, I, too, have been in love. I’ve also gotten my heart-broken. I spent nights mourning because nobody understood how I felt and nobody knew how to tend my wounds. It’s going to take a while before I let anybody in, and you probably feel the same way.

It’s better that we find each other when we’re both ready so we’ll both know how to not take the feeling of being in love for granted.

I’m scared to admit that there’s a possibility that you don’t exist, that I’m writing this letter for no one. But in spite of this possibility, I have to believe that you do exist and that you’re out there somewhere. I have to believe that all the heartache and loneliness I’d ever had to taste will somehow lead me to you. I have to believe that God created you because He knew that I would need you someday.

I have to believe that all those 11:11am & 11:11pm wishes and pennies I tossed in every fountain l’ve ever encountered will understand my need for someone like you. While I know that I’m complete on my own, I have to believe that someone as great as you exists. You may not complete me but you can make this life much better and much more beautiful. I have to believe that I’ll meet a man like you — a man who can make me believe in love once again.

I may not know who you are or if I’ll ever find you but I wish and believe with all my heart and soul that you’re out there, waiting, wishing and believing as much as I am. I know we’ll find each other someday in this lifetime, or the next, or the next after that.

We’ll find each other, one way or another. Goodbye and see you soon, my only one.  TC mark

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