So, You’re Looking To Break Into The Meth Business: A Guide

Something of a comic series.

Are you a fan of Breaking Bad? Of course you are. Breaking Bad is the best show on television. Second best of all time, just below Sister Sister. Breaking Bad in a way is a lot like meth, the drug at the center of the show. I’ll decide to catch up on an episode or two and 48 hours later, I still haven’t slept and I’ve only eaten a single Pizza Lunchable. But it’s worth it. It’s worth it. I love Breaking Bad so much, I’ve started cooking and selling meth myself, something that I probably shouldn’t have admitted on the internet just now. If you’re looking to join me in the meth trade, there are a few things you should do before you begin.

1. Shave your head and grow a goatee.

This is the first and most important step in the meth production and sales business. Think of your shaved head and goatee as work clothes. If you were a doctor, you wouldn’t go to work in biker shorts and a trench coat, right? Showing up to a meth cook with hair and a clean shave is the same thing. If you can’t grow facial hair, a comically large fake mustache is an acceptable alternative.

After this step, you’re more than 90% finished with the process of becoming a meth king. Are you ready for the rest? Let’s begin.

2. Learn the formula.

I cannot stress this enough. The first time I tried making the blue crystal made famous by Breaking Bad, I made basically frosted flakes covered in powdered Sudafed. It was kind of tasty as a cereal/nasal decongestant, not very tasty as methamphetamine. This made a lot of people very upset with me.

Which brings me to my second point: Do not tell powerful and violent members of a drug cartel that you can cook the purest crystal meth in the world without first knowing what crystal meth looks like. You need to do some research, and you need to know the formula. What is the formula, you ask? Simple.

3. Try your absolute best not to get arrested.

Also important. If you are caught selling or cooking meth, you will most likely be punished, via the law. This is bad for business. Would you buy a cat from someone who was arrested for selling cats? Probably not. You could just as easily find a cat at a friend’s house, or buy a cat from a reputable cat dealership.

The same goes for meth. An arrest will certainly not help your Yelp rating. Yelp ratings are vital in the meth business.

Good ways to avoid arrest include:

  1. Not cooking meth
  2. Being a police officer
  3. Cooking meth in a remote location that few people visit, like a desert, a highway rest stop, or a Waffle House.

4. Keep the murders to a minimum.

If you’re trying to break into the meth business, murders are going to happen. It’s just the way of the game. At one point or another, you will have to pop your homicide cherry. But please remember, homicide is a crime (as is selling meth). Typically, drug related homicides arise from territorial issues. A good way to avoid territorial issues is to get to know the other meth cooks in your area. Arrange a barbeque at your home, play charades, introduce them to your family, let them play with your Stretch Armstrongs. Do whatever it takes to befriend your fellow drug dealers. This way, they won’t want to murder you, and won’t suspect that you want to murder them. Once you have gained their trust, it is time for murdering.

5. Do not give out your email.

This is a major part of a larger rule: Meth is not a regular business. Regular business rules do not apply. So, for example, don’t hand out business cards that say “Max Knoblauch, Meth Cook” with contact info on the back. It leaves what business insiders call a “paper trail.” And aside from the paper trail, meth addicts are notorious for their constant emailing. If you don’t like chain emails about dogs that are also war heroes, or ones with the subject line reading “FWD: FWD: FWD: U JUST GOT HIT BY THE LOVE BUS.” I’d advise you to keep your address private.

6. Make it your “own thing.”

The whole “murdering psychopath” is a pretty overdone niche for meth cooks. A lot of people are doing that already. So why not put your own spin on it? Walter White is the meth dealer that teaches high school chemistry. Maybe you’re the meth dealer who wears a clown suit. Maybe you’re the meth dealer who keeps a bowl of candies on their desk. Maybe you’re the meth dealer that rollerblades. I don’t know; you come up with something.

This post originally appeared on UNDERWATER BREEDING APPARATUS.

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