I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for constantly putting you through so much pain. I’m sorry that I’m always keeping my guard down when it comes to finding love. I’m sorry that I’m always opening you up, even though I know that pain is guaranteed to happen.
I’m sorry that I fall so easily. It’s like I already have learned my lesson before but I am constantly making the same mistakes. I’m so sorry for all the damages I have done to you.
The funny thing is, you didn’t fall for the bad guys. The timing for falling for the good ones is horrible. When you have an instant connection with someone, you fall so fast and so quick before even realizing you am. But, the circumstance of when you do is never in my favor.
Timing has never worked out. It’s either I lost the opportunity to tell them how I felt or their hearts wasn’t ready to open to me at all. Can you blame them for keeping their hearts sheltered when they have recently opened them up to someone else before me and have it shatter into pieces? No, but I was willing to pick up the broken pieces and mold it back together. Also at the same time, I was doing more damage to you each day, knowing that I cannot fix other person’s damaged heart.
It gets harder each time. When you think something finally good is about to happen, life becomes unpredictable and it goes a different way. Every time an “almost” relationship ends, I can feel you chipping away.
I am terrified that one day, after enduring so many heartaches, you will finally shut down. Shut down to the point that you don’t know how to love anymore. Don’t know how to open up anymore and start pushing away the right one away.
This is why this time around, I am going to take care of you so it doesn’t happen. Despite of not knowing what it is like to have a real relationship and having constant heartaches, I still believe in love. I believe that the one is still out there for me, whether he is someone I know, someone I’ve already met, or someone new.
No matter how many nights I pray and cry to God, “Why me? Why again?” I believe he had allowed me to go through the ups and downs because he knows I am strong enough. He has taught me to walk away when I need to, but he has also taught me to stay when something is worth fighting for. I just hope next time around, someone will fight for me for once.
One of these days, you will heal. All the scars will finally fade. Happiness will come to you. You will no longer feel like a second choice. You will no longer wonder if you will ever be good enough. Because you will be with the right person. You need to be patience, but first you need to heal.