I Want You To Look At Me And Just Know

nastya
nastya

I want us to meet soon. I want you to look at me and just know.

I
 could say the same for myself, but I’ll probably take the hard road
 and fight my feelings for you every step of the way. I’ve never 
believed in being easy.

If you shake my hand, please let yours be clean. Don’t give me a limp
 handshake like those fake girls trying to take care of their
’manicures’ or like I have some disease. Give me a firm handshake I
 can trust. I don’t bite, I promise. Well… only if you ask nicely.

I’m 
not a good hugger, so if you insist please keep it short. Really
 short. Personal space, trust issues and all that. You understand,
 right? 

You’ll fall in love with me. You won’t be able to help yourself.

It 
will be the kind of love that inspires you to write me poetry and
 dedicate songs to me. To buy airtime and spend hours on the phone
listening to me breathe on the other side during our ‘ you hang up,
no, you hang up’ phone calls. To shell out a pretty penny to take me
somewhere fancy and spoil me.



It’s not you, it’s me.

What can I say? I’m awesome.

I’ll mess it up somehow.

I just don’t know how to be loved. The minute 
you tell me the words will be the beginning of the end.

It’s not you, it’s me.

I will turn into the worst version of myself, someone unlovable. I
 will frustrate you, make you mad and make you sad. The thin line 
between love and hate will be bent over backwards by the time I’m
 through with you.

In the quiet moments, I hope you realize that this is just a trick. 
That this is the way that my heart fights with my mind. That this is 
the way my mind processes my feelings.

This is how I fight for you. For us.

On a much simpler plane, I just really really want to know if you have
 staying power. I figure, if you can love me at my worst, it must be 
safe to show you my best, right?

You see, I want to be safe.

I’ve never felt that; not even sure how
 it’s supposed to feel like. All I know is that every time you hold my
 hand and look at me with that special light in your eyes, I melt a
 little.

Every time you let me ramble on and remember every 
insignificant detail later, I swoon. Every time you give me the gift 
of words I love so much, I feel warm.

And every time you say, “I love you,” I know one of these days I’ll
 say it back and mean it. TC mark

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