I’m getting a bit panicky. Perhaps it’s because I decided after my last relationship to quit taking my “anxiety” medication because I really felt I didn’t need it anymore…or because for the first time since my last relationship I am running into real feelings.
Don’t get me wrong, anyone who knows me knows that I fell very hard for a guy in the fall, but knowingly I allowed those feelings to occur understanding that I was not going to be able to date him, at least now. In fact the guy in the fall was a safe way to restore my confidence and learn more about myself and what I want. He in some ways fulfilled all I felt I deserved and then soared past those expectations with the way he treated me, but I knew we would not date which gave me the ability to feel no pressure. That being said…
I have been tooting around my “staying single till I am at least 26” mantra for about 10 months now. I have found the last few months refreshing to have nobody that demands my attention. While having no “boy” has been a new experience for me in some ways, it has both pluses and minuses. It’s a fantastic feeling being able to run around with whomever, whenever. I am truly such an independent person, but I also shamelessly love attention, which doesn’t always have to come from guys, but is almost always preferred. It’s a very selfish period of life that I am in and I can’t deny that I am absolutely loving it. Only about a handful of times I’ve felt a slight ounce of loneliness and that void I normally fill with daydreams. My interest in people lasts for a brief blink before I remember how much I am loving being on my own… but as the world works you never find something if you are looking. As I have been completely and utterly not-looking-for-anything.. I have naturally stumbled upon something.
I’ve always said I don’t want a boy, but I wouldn’t stop myself if I started liking someone. I have consequently started liking someone and in turn I am just as shocked about it as I feel threatened by it. It is such a strange concept feeling like you want to be with someone, but simultaneously feeling your independence threatened.
That being said when he kisses me on the forehead I don’t stop him, when he holds my hand walking down the street I don’t mind people thinking we are dating and my natural aversion to responding to a text has dissipated to the point that I look forward to the casual daily-hum-drum conversations with him. I’m confused…I feel like I am losing my mind.
At this age entering a relationship seems so much more important than it did say four years ago. You are taking however many months or years of your 20’s and potentially meeting/investing time in someone for either a while or forever. It’s truly such a scary thought. While I am so happy for every single one of my friends that is happily on the path towards marriage…In my current mindset I cannot fathom one person forever. I have kept my heart closed off for the sole purpose of not meeting someone so early. I have a fear of being stuck because I felt so stuck in my previous relationship. I have all these fears coupled with the fact that you can’t pick and choose when you have feelings for someone. So many thoughts.
I want to let my heart run rampant with him and to embrace the feelings I have, but some part of me is clouding everything with fears that once were not there. All kinds of fears, mixed with emotions, emotions mixed with the lingering hum of wanting him.
The other night in my drunken state I got to the point that continuing the night out was unlikely, in fact the toilet bowl with my face in it was where I needed to be. Despite my efforts to literally run away…in six inch heels, he took me home, he took care of me and I woke up with band-aids on my knees from tripping during my escape attempt. I believe we call what I was doing – pushing someone away. Pushing someone away while all you want to do is be with them is quite possibly the most ironic phase I have ever been in. I’m over here biting my nails.