15 Wishes That Would Make The World A Better Place If They Came True

The world is a harsh and unforgiving place. Sometimes I make wishes. They rarely come true, but it’s good to have hope. Here are 15 wishes I made this week:

1.

I wish Ebola wasn’t a deadly disease because it’d make a great name for my unborn daughter.

2.

I wish ISIS would stop chopping off British people’s heads, because it looks like it hurts.

3.

I wish iPhone 6 cost less money, like $57, then I’d be able to afford it.

4.

I wish I could speak Finnish, then I could go to Finland and speak with Finnish people.

5.

I wish Australia was closer to me, because then Australia wouldn’t feel so far away.

6.

I wish I could employ myself as a job coach if I ever find myself unemployed.

7.

I wish I liked heavy metal music, because if I did, I would have much more music to choose from.

8.

I wish I had the power to shrink to the size of a four-year-old so I could pretend to be a four-year-old without the other four-year-olds knowing that I’m actually a grownup.

9.

I wish there were more colors, because that would make Microsoft Paint more thrilling.

10.

I wish there was an American Idol for tone-deaf people, because I’d come in about fourth.

11.

I wish it was still 2013, because I liked that year.

12.

I wish lemons and oranges tasted like each other. That would be funny.

13.

I wish scary movies weren’t so damn scary, because then I could actually watch them.

14.

I wish everyone BUT royalty wore crowns, because I want to wear one and I’m not a queen.

15.

I wish Mark Twain came back to life and wrote Tequila Mockingbird 2.