The world is a harsh and unforgiving place. Sometimes I make wishes. They rarely come true, but it’s good to have hope. Here are 15 wishes I made this week:
I wish Ebola wasn’t a deadly disease because it’d make a great name for my unborn daughter.
I wish ISIS would stop chopping off British people’s heads, because it looks like it hurts.
I wish iPhone 6 cost less money, like $57, then I’d be able to afford it.
I wish I could speak Finnish, then I could go to Finland and speak with Finnish people.
I wish Australia was closer to me, because then Australia wouldn’t feel so far away.
I wish I could employ myself as a job coach if I ever find myself unemployed.
I wish I liked heavy metal music, because if I did, I would have much more music to choose from.
I wish I had the power to shrink to the size of a four-year-old so I could pretend to be a four-year-old without the other four-year-olds knowing that I’m actually a grownup.
I wish there were more colors, because that would make Microsoft Paint more thrilling.
I wish there was an American Idol for tone-deaf people, because I’d come in about fourth.
I wish it was still 2013, because I liked that year.
I wish lemons and oranges tasted like each other. That would be funny.
I wish scary movies weren’t so damn scary, because then I could actually watch them.
I wish everyone BUT royalty wore crowns, because I want to wear one and I’m not a queen.
I wish Mark Twain came back to life and wrote Tequila Mockingbird 2.