An Open Letter To My Best Friend

Flickr / M I S C H E L L E
Flickr / M I S C H E L L E

People say that life is like a roller coaster. You just sit there for the ride, and let the coaster take its course, bringing you to that destined place. I highly disagree, because I believe that there are choices in life that would result in different scenarios. Each split in the road will ultimately take you somewhere else, and that is why we shouldn’t take the decisions we make lightly.

For almost half my life, I have cared about this one girl – my best friend. We started with a platonic friendship, but somewhere along the way, it became something deeper than simple attachment. I found myself always wanting to be around her, but at the same time, my only desire was to make her happy. And before I knew it, I was hooked.

When you bond with someone, developing feelings for them is inevitable. You get to see and appreciate them for who they are, and if that person is of the opposite sex, things can get a little complicated. You get stuck in the middle of being a friend and an admirer, and sooner or later, you’re forced to choose – bury your feelings and keep things the same way or to risk your friendship in hopes that they too would feel the same about you.

The definition of gamble is to “take risky action in the hope of a desired result,” so when it comes to relationships, as Taylor Swift put it, “It’s gonna be forever or it’s going down in flames.” These are both possible outcomes, and because of this, I thought, maybe it would be selfish of me to ask for more. So I chose to bury my feelings. I never told her. In fact, I shoved the thought of us being together into a tiny corner of my mind, and forced myself to think that we could never be.

I also told myself that if I did confess and she rejected me, something would interfere with our relationship. She is my best friend. The status of “best friend” exists because awkwardness between those two people is almost non-existent. Conversations would always flow naturally with no effort at all – no matter how weird or personal the topic may be. She was a part of me and I knew that I was a part of her. I did not want to lose her.

The year after I came to terms with feelings and decided to pretend that they did not exist, she found herself a guy. As a friend, I was happy for her, and I told myself that I had also moved on. After some time though, they broke up. She told me everything that happened and sometimes she would even call crying.

Countless times have I wondered if I had made the right decision in not telling her what I felt. Night after night, I stayed up thinking of all the different possibilities. Perhaps, this is the answer I am looking for.

Dear JAPS,

If you are reading this, I hope that you keep an open mind.

I like you. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but I do know when. It started on that study tour that we went to in 2010.

I remember the moments when we sat side by side on the bus just listening to music, staring out the window, and enjoying each other’s company. Sometimes, you’d fall asleep, and I couldn’t resist looking at your gentle and peaceful eyes.

I remember those days when you’d bug me during siesta time to buy ice cream with you at that little store on the other side of the grounds. No one wanted to go with you because everyone was tired including me, but I still went with you anyway. I pretended to get annoyed, but deep down, I didn’t mind spending time alone with you. In fact, I cherished every second of it.

I remember all the times that the two of us would sit on the branch of this tree talking intimately about life. You’d always stare off into the distance while the wind blew through your hair, and every time, in each and every one of those moments, I was dazed and struck by your beauty.

I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a really long time now, but I guess I just never had the courage to. I was very much afraid of rejection and because I was scared to death that we might lose our friendship.

I’m sorry that even if I bottled my feelings away, they still affected our relationship. I remember you got upset at me for pushing you away — you told me that I should tell you what was on my mind so that you could help, but I could not. I’m sorry for that, too. Now you see that it was only my way of protecting what we have and to keep you away from all this.

I will no longer hide what I feel for you, but I want you to know that you were worth every heartache. Each time you smiled and laughed, the pain went away. Not being able to express what i feel was ripping me apart, but I know that this is the perfect time to finally tell you.

I can’t promise you only good days. Life guarantees that there will be days when you feel sad, but I do promise to make it up to you by making each good time better than the bad so that when you look back in life, the amazing experiences will always outshine the dark ones. When life hurts you, I promise to hold your hand. And when you need a little encouragement, I will be behind you, cheering you on. I will be by your side just like I have always been with you in the past. I have kept this to myself for almost five years, so now, will you give me a chance? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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