It’s mid-December, and suddenly the 8 Nights of Hanukkah have arrived. Not only have they arrived, but they’re already half over! So, I’ve given it some thought, and here are 8 Things I Don’t Want for Hanukkah:
- A Taylor Swift action figure. They must be out there. If they aren’t, they’re coming soon and I’m afraid.
- A soy candle. I saw one last week at Urban Outfitters. I don’t know what that is. I guess they put…soy…in a candle. I was so bored I didn’t even bother to check.
- 14,000 Things To Be Happy About. I also saw that last week at Urban Outfitters. I hate books like that. I don’t believe there are nearly that many things to be happy about, unless they’re including things like pulling petals off a daisy, or blowing up a balloon. Please don’t buy me that book. I’d rather get a lump of coal or itchy wool socks.
- A Taylor Swift action figure. Wait, I already said that. I guess I’m really afraid of that one. And now it screwed up my numbering.
- Seasonal Edition gum. Extra and Trident have competing Candy Cane Peppermint flavors. I have to admit that they caught my eye at Walgreens and made an infantile part of me tingle, but it’s Peppermint. Peppermint gum. There’s also Pumpkin Spice, which sounds fairly sickening, and Apple Crisp, which just sounds creepy. I wonder if they had a Limited Early Autumn Edition that I missed, like Apple Cider. I wonder.
- Scented pine cones, like the ones they had piled high in the entrance to CVS. They’re pine cones. And they stink.
- An all-occasion, festive glass bowl. I don’t have festive occasions. I only rarely have occasions.
- One of those cheap-looking Christmas tree ornaments covered with glitter. I don’t have a Christmas tree, and I have recurring nightmares in which glitter plays a central role.
- A gift card. Just give me cash, and if I want to spend it at Applebee’s or The Gap, that’ll be my choice, dammit.
- A Taylor Swift action—oops, there it is again. My bad.