Before I really begin, let me preface by saying that this isn’t an “I’m single and sad about it” kind of piece. (Although, I am very single so if you’re interested why don’t you give me a ring?) No, the kind of loneliness I feel is a spinning singularity, a disconnection with mankind as a unit. And to clarify even further, this disconnect is not in an “I’m not like most girls because I play video games” kind of way.
I fit into categories and stereotypes like any other 20-something. I have friends and family that I know love me probably more than they know I love them. I’ll most likely fit into society just fine with a job and a mortgage and some kids. I’m an outlier on the graph but not quite to the point of ever going rogue and becoming a serial killer. By all means, I’m a normal person.
I live my life, take classes, go to meetings, go for coffee, but when I come home, shut off my computer, and sit alone in my bed, I feel as if the rest of the world has melted away completely. I recognize that I’m not alone and never will be alone, but that doesn’t stop the feeling from creeping over me. Something makes me feel wrong and out of place like a pair baby shoes at a strip club or a crying adult in a Wal Mart.
The idea of the world spinning on without me is a constant presence and yet it’s something I’ve come to accept. I joke, “I’m going to die alone” and yet when I stop running for two minutes and actually just sit, something in me really feels as if I’m nothing but a thought in the moment, a speck screaming “Hey! Look at me! I’m right here!”
Maybe I’m just looking for attention and maybe it’s seasonal depression that’s been holding a flashlight up to my mortality but I feel as if the world is getting smaller and smaller but I’m somehow running out of places to find people who can give me a genuine second of connection in a meaningful way. And all I really want is for someone to hold my hand, force me to take a breath, and tell me that I’m not really that outlier and that the graph is a load of bullshit and that they also feel like a wobbling top that someone spun and walked away from.