I vaguely remember meeting you the spring before classes began. I was peeved at you because of my preconceived notions of you being a “Frat Star Douche bag.” We interacted twice that day. And I thought that would be it.
Right before class began in August, we sat next to each other at some event. Having just moved to California I was ready to be a whole new me — one who was more forward with cute boys. As I scanned the room you were the only one to catch my eye. I had clearly forgotten my disdain for you from the Spring before. I sat down and said hi.
There were a few things that caught my eye about your dress and how soft spoken you were that made think, “Oh 100% he is swinging for my team.” I too felt you could be looking to make a change.
As the semester began we became quick friends. Like the best of friends. Weekly explorations, exploring this new place together, making future plans, talking about our pasts, sharing our hopes and dreams. It was everything I was looking for in a guy. And than the first bombshell.
You had a girlfriend at home.
So before things got too deep, I began to look at this as nothing more than a friendship I unexpectedly found. And although I started to approach as just my “bro,” you were still the same you; caring, sweet, thoughtful.
Feelings didn’t resurface until you and her broke up—because all I want to do is see you happy. And again, although it was farfetched, we returned to the moments where I felt a truly deep connection with you. And I looked at all the time I was suppressing my feelings, just to realize that they had grown even greater.
I had begun to confide in others about this. They could see the struggle I was having, and the pain behind my eyes. Yet I still haven’t been able to let go. Letting go will be a process, because I still yearn for our friendship. If there is one thing I don’t want to lose out of all of this, it is you as my friend.
So let me just say it to you once, so it is off my chest. Than let us both process, and I hope we can still be friends, because I honestly can’t imagine my life without you:
I love you as a friend. But I also have romantic feelings for you.
Your charismatic demeanor, ability to make me laugh, and thoughtfulness are beautiful. Your smile, your dimples, and self confidence are contagious. And your heart is pure and full of love, and it makes me feel safe.
I hope this won’t change us, but I know it will.
Even if its for the worst, I will forever cherish my time spent with you as a friend.