Let’s face it—Facebook is devoted to overt judgment and punishment. You’re most likely to stumble upon a series of outrages, guilt-trips and other controversies. Inevitably you will, and most often reluctantly, immerse yourself into some unexpected court in session, formerly known as the comment section.
Welcome to Facebook Court—a self-serious, overcritical, and never ending justice system. This is a place where people you may or may not know reveal themselves to be players in a system of discipline—a place to put aside the cute family photos and Buzzfeed listicles, and simply bicker about social issues for once. *Let it be known that Facebook Court has zero jurisdiction and in no way influences the injustice at hand.
Here are the 5 criminals, prosecutors, defendants, judges and prisoners you will meet:
1. Gratitude Gwen
“I’m contributing to the general productivity of humankind—What are you doing?”
She typically posts 5 things she’s grateful about in a day. Underneath that veneer of happiness, she’s punishing you. It’s an accusation of ingratitude in which you must prove your innocence.
Last seen posting: Daily Affirmations, 25 Reasons Why I Love My Mother More Than You Love Yours
2. Accusatory Al
“Stop congratulating yourself, you’re not helping the real problem. We’re finally paying attention, but it’s for the wrong reason”
His posts aim to startle you with your own guilt—and enable you to blindside others with theirs. He attacks with a paranoid style of accusation: you may think you know what you did wrong, but in reality, you have no fucking clue
Last seen posting: 99 Unlikely Signs You’re A Nazi
3. Informed Ian
“If you actually did any research…”
This guy is too worried about not showing any bias that he doesn’t realize his penis is out. He’s fighting a fight that cannot be won. It’s best to just let the keyboard warrior with the most opinionated of opinions ramble on.
Last seen posting: the first page of articles to show up when Googled
4. Know-Nothing Nathan
“Still better than Miley Cyrus”
This guy has got it all figured out, in a way. Some may call him ignorant, but he has better things to do than angrily put stories or other commenters on trial. When he stumbles upon a discipline-in-progress he’s more likely to argue with memes than actual sources, but sometimes that’s for the best.
Last seen posting: Futurama Fry Not Sure If… meme
“Just reading Facebook”
This guy wishes his newsfeed wasn’t blocked by political opinions. Court is now in recess; you have to go jump through a hula-hoop, or whatever it is that goes on outside.
Last seen posting: something in 2006.