1. Whoa
2. Shit
3. You really clicked this
4. It worked.
5. Okay
6. I, uh…
7. I guess I better write this article then.
8. Shit
9. Sorry, I just…
10. Damn
11. I really did not expect that
12. You read the title right?
13. You must really like listicles
14. Uhhh, um… okay, well, I better get started then.
15. Right now
16. Okay. You’re old
17. That’s one
18. Fuck, this is going to be harder than I thought
19. Seventy is the new Sixty?
20. That’s good
21. What’s good about these types of articles is that it takes literally no research.
22. Seventy might not be the new Sixty, but I can think it is
23. Because I have ideas dammit!
24. Ideas worth being itemized!!!!!
25. Awesome
26. What’s Next:
27. Coming up:
28. There’s more…
29. NO, I AM NOT STALLING
30. Well if you like lists so much here’s some lists for you:
31. Shopping List
32. Bucket List
33. Wish List
34. Checklist
35. A List of Lists (return back to 31)
36. Right
37. You’re still reading
38. Cool
39. Just as I hoped
40. Oh—you’re getting shorter
41. Umm…
42. Your hearing is getting worse
43. Which makes the title ironic, I guess
44. That’s 70 I think
45. No?
46. Fuck
47. I mean, I feel like by this point people will have either shared this or given up entirely.
48. Like, if I were honestly going to say something important, it would probably go earlier than No.48
49. Holy shit 48! That’s a lot
50. I guess it is possible that there is some 70-something out there reading this just in case I do have advice
51. (I don’t)
52. Homestretch
53. I got this
54. Just a few more:
55. Your grandson/granddaughter loves you :-)
56. Even thought he/she doesn’t visit :-(
57. Why did I make such a big promise!
58. Why I am entitled to write this!
59. Why is it 70 Things ON THE DOT
60. WHAT AN ÜBER-COINCIDENCE
61. Why, because I can be published, am I suddenly the all wise spokesperson for a generation
62. Speaking of which—
63. You know who’s wise?
64. Old people
65. Which is why you would never read this
66. You would never identify as a 70-Something
67. And not just because you left your reading-glasses in the other room
68. This is done
69. Sweet sweet…
70. Closure. 
