70 Things Every 70-Something Needs To Hear

1. Whoa

2. Shit

3. You really clicked this

4. It worked.

5. Okay

6. I, uh…

7. I guess I better write this article then.

8. Shit

9. Sorry, I just…

10. Damn

11. I really did not expect that

12. You read the title right?

13. You must really like listicles

14. Uhhh, um… okay, well, I better get started then.

15. Right now

16. Okay. You’re old

17. That’s one

18. Fuck, this is going to be harder than I thought

19. Seventy is the new Sixty?

20. That’s good

21. What’s good about these types of articles is that it takes literally no research.

22. Seventy might not be the new Sixty, but I can think it is

23. Because I have ideas dammit!

24. Ideas worth being itemized!!!!!

25. Awesome

26. What’s Next:

27. Coming up:

28. There’s more…


30. Well if you like lists so much here’s some lists for you:

31. Shopping List

32. Bucket List

33. Wish List

34. Checklist

35. A List of Lists (return back to 31)

36. Right

37. You’re still reading

38. Cool

39. Just as I hoped

40. Oh—you’re getting shorter

41. Umm…

42. Your hearing is getting worse

43. Which makes the title ironic, I guess

44. That’s 70 I think

45. No?

46. Fuck

47. I mean, I feel like by this point people will have either shared this or given up entirely.

48. Like, if I were honestly going to say something important, it would probably go earlier than No.48

49. Holy shit 48! That’s a lot

50. I guess it is possible that there is some 70-something out there reading this just in case I do have advice

51. (I don’t)

52. Homestretch

53. I got this

54. Just a few more:

55. Your grandson/granddaughter loves you :-)

56. Even thought he/she doesn’t visit :-(

57. Why did I make such a big promise!

58. Why I am entitled to write this!

59. Why is it 70 Things ON THE DOT


61. Why, because I can be published, am I suddenly the all wise spokesperson for a generation

62. Speaking of which—

63. You know who’s wise?

64. Old people

65. Which is why you would never read this

66. You would never identify as a 70-Something

67. And not just because you left your reading-glasses in the other room

68. This is done

69. Sweet sweet…

70. Closure. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

featured image – Shutterstock

A rude dude with a bad attitude.

Keep up with Matthew on Twitter

More From Thought Catalog