Congratulations! You have been invited to attend and plan my surprise birthday celebration. I’ve comprised a list of things that need to be taken care of in order to make sure that this party upholds my bad-bitch reputation, whilst simultaneously shitting on my basic-ass friends. So lets raise the roof and lower self-esteem!
1. First things first: I’m the realest. (Obviously.) This party needs to be “Fancy,” if only to signify the transition of my “Starbucks Is Life” period to my “No More Drama” phase.
2. Also, if we could have my name in BOLD (just like I-G-G-Y), my Twitter handle in Italics. Or just the words “Not You” underlined. That’d be great!
3. Have someone filming my surprised-ducked face when I walk in. Honestly I just need more candids in my Snapchat story.
4. Please be ready to deal with any last-minute minor complaints I will definitely have—speaking of which—I love the decorations, but I’m not sure if I love them, you know?
5. If you’re going to say a few words about me: don’t. I’d prefer we keep it strictly GIF format. The less words the better. (I need the ratio of words to the guest’s IQs to be roughly the same.)
6. Feel free to mention all of the volunteer work I’ve done this past year. Don’t, however, mention that it was all for magic shows; that’d be über-embarassing.
7. After the speech is finished we’ll start the slideshow of me at the homeless-animal-or-whatever-shelter. (People can’t think you’re a narcissist if you take care of other living things—but back to me planning my own surprise party.)
8. Ask everyone politely to spend forever on the dance floor. I’m hoping the news coverage of this party will read something like […after much police investigation and growing concern by families who had lost their loved ones, three bodies were found this morning… STILL DANCING!!!]
9. There will be no flash photography or use of the filter Mayfair.
10. Unfortunately I wasn’t allowed to invite everyone to the party, which is why it’s mandatory for all guests to follow up with a vague hung-over tweet the next day, just to really rub it in.
11. I trust that my recent ex-boyfriend will not be invited—because if you’ve been reading my private art blog you would know that I am currently dating myself at the moment; which isn’t just a thing people say in romantic-comedies.
12. Speaking of which—I trust that Katherine Heigl will not be invited; moral reasons.
13. Make sure everyone is prepared to laugh when I say, “More like: Orange is the New CRACK!” This killed at Chipotle once, so it should work out of context here.
14. As for drinks—you guessed it! Pumpkin Spice Vodka for everyone!