1. Individual Wrapper: (Hershey, Starburst, Jolly Rancher) – Individually wrapped candy can be a nightmare. It’s so tedious unwrapping chocolate after chocolate after chocolate, especially with no incentive of a golden ticket. As enjoyable as it may be getting to the sweet part, the fun of it immediately dissipates when you’re left cleaning up the debris of what used to be your “workspace” post taste-bud warfare. Now you get to crumple up the sizeable evidence of your gluttony into one toxic orb, big enough to asphyxiate a pigeon, and sadly take out the trash.
2. Cheese Hands: (Cheetos, whatever flavor of Doritos kids are eating these days) – When and where you go down on that big bag of Cheese Puffs is none of my business. But will you at least do us the courtesy of washing your hands, and not just rubbing it into your jeans when no one’s looking. I don’t want to see you lick your fingers and then touch your keyboard as if we can still make small talk later. How about you and Chester Cheetah get a room, and close the door with the palms of your unkempt hands on your way out. Will it ever stop?
3. Bag of Air: (Chips) – The question: (Why are there so few chips in this bag?) has still not been addressed despite reaching meme-status public outrage. Unless you’re selling a quick fix to get back to Bikini Bottom in time, I’m not buying it. Because while you’re making money off of selling oxygen, the rest of us vending machine patrons are left with a shitty garbage pouch to keep our smaller garbage in, and thoughts like, “What’s David Hasselhoff up to these days?”
4. Crumbs. Fuckin’. Everywhere: (every granola bar, hard cookie, piece of matzah) – Granola bars advertised as morning pick-me-ups are really just morning pick-me-up-off-the-floors. Truthfully, I just hope the space in-between my car seats are enjoying the grains and oats I paid for.
5. Mixed Snacks: (Everything must go!) – Great at parties. A party in and of itself! I don’t get invited to many parties. The point is, when I’m hogging the TV watching Friday Night Lights, I’m obviously going to pick out my favorite snacks from the bunch and pass off the shitty leftovers as a thoughtful gesture to my roommate. Shut up Devin, shitty self-realizations are too a problem with snacking! Gosh.