You own an apron that says “Quiche the Cook.”
You think Wonder Bread is up for interpretation.
You caught yourself defending Guy Fieri in a moment of weakness.
You drink bleach to cleanse your palate before a wine tasting.
You can’t look at any screens for fear of finding out Cake Boss spoilers such as: They made cake and ate it.
You’d take a bullet for a store-bought red velvet cupcake, but not for the president.
You can’t Instagram your risotto because you ate it already; you’re also dipping below 100 followers again for sharing too many pictures of empty plates.
You pretend to be a wood chipper by slowly pushing breadsticks into your mouth.
You’ve experimented in pescatarian, flexitarian, macrobiotic, raw, organic, republican, metaphysical, and Hasidic forms of vegetarianism.
You’re a prick about food.