Oh the beauty of the celebrity crush.
It’s wonderful; You fantasize about what it would be like to meet them, somehow stand out and woo them, and eventually make babies with them while living in a lavish mansion that you certainly couldn’t pay for.
For most of my childhood, my celebrity crush was Amy Jo-Johnson…the sexy, tough, and popular pink ranger on one of the greatest kid’s shows ever created. That was an innocent example, considering the fact that at that point in my young life, I had never experienced a wet dream, discovered the awesomeness which is personal-pocket-pool, and was years away from finding a girl who would let me awkwardly dock my ship in her port for the first time.
As I grew up (physically at least), my hormones began running rampant and as opposed to a celebrity crush, I wanted to fuck every hot girl I saw on TV. Or the mall. Or a restaurant. Or school. You get the gist.
I was essentially nothing but a walking, talking boner for at least 7-8 years. This is pretty typical of all males, especially guys who managed to get girlfriends or start fooling around at a young age. For the guys who don’t lose their virginity or at least get a blowjob until they’re old enough to drink, it’s probably hard to miss what you never knew.
There are times I think I may still be nothing more than a walking, talking boner. The raging hormones are perpetually present, and I want to fuck so many girls you’d think my sole responsibility in life was to repopulate a desolate planet. Cue the introspection…
Alright, let’s back up, I’m getting entirely off topic here…
For the last few years, I’ve had my one true celebrity crush. I feel like I know her at this point (sounds fucking creepy, don’t it?), and I get more infatuated on the reg. I would still spread my seed among the young, hot, rich celebrity women I see, but that’s strictly because I wouldn’t mind going to the gym more, dressing better, and getting an expensive haircut to be a trophy husband. Think of all the time I’d have to write these ramblings while they bring home the bread!!!
Nevertheless, any celebrity but her would be a purely physical thing with selfish motives. I could love my crush though. I could cherish my crush. I could heal her broken heart better than the guy she’s with now. I just know I could.
This crush, this person who sets my mind on fire and makes my body tingle (in other words, I want to touch myself), is none other than the infamous Taylor Swift. The beautiful, sexy, charmingly awkward songstress with the voice and personality of an angel, but the oozing sexuality of a demon temptress. The perfect combination.
Here’s 4 absolutely wonderful reasons why T-Swift would make the best girlfriend ever:
1. She’s incredibly creative.
I mean, maybe it’s because I’m creative myself but this is EXTREMELY attractive to me. I write my own songs, I write satire, I post regularly on a blog, and I contribute to fine publications such as Thought Catalog (shameless plug).
I mean, who wouldn’t like a significant other to bounce ideas off of, to help you find the words you’re searching for, and to generally just be your muse? Not to mention, she would appreciate the little things like a poem I’d write, a song she inspired, etc. And there’s a damn good chance I could get a love song written about me. That shit would be dope.
2. She makes being awkward an adorable thing.
I am a fucking klutz. Always have been, always will be. I spill things constantly, I fall going up the stairs (while sober, mind you), and I should generally stay away from things that can be easily broken. That’s humiliating enough at times, but can you imagine how much worse it would be if it happened in front of someone you REALLY like? On a regular basis, without fail, and with absolutely no grace. Now think about this: what if that person you REALLY like is just as awkward as you, just as klutzy, and you find each other’s little quirks like that super cute because you both relate. That would be fucking awesome. Plus, with her caliber of hotness, she could spill all over herself, all the time, and I would want nothing more than to lick it off her.
Imagine this scenario: We’re cooking and eating together, she bumps into the stove and knocks the pan off, leaving our would-be dinner on the kitchen floor. As she bends down to pick it up, I trip over her and spill the beverages I’m carrying all over the two of us. Would you want to be in the relationship where that turns into a blame game, or the one that turns it into a gut-busting laugh fest? I thought so.
3. She’s compassionate and charitable.
She’s donated proceeds from videos and album sales to various organizations, she has never hesitated to use her star power to influence important situations that are going on in the world, and she’s involved with her fans (especially the less fortunate among them).
These qualities are sexy as fuck in a girlfriend. To show that much passion for making the world a better place, and to care so much for people you don’t know personally, just imagine the way she would take care of a significant other who was sick or suffering!
4. She’s HOT AS FUCK!!!!
Okay, fine, I admit it, this one is shallow. I don’t even care. I’m a man, and my system is hardwired to search for members of the opposite sex I would like to mate with. And given the other points listed, I think I’m entitled to this one.
A perfect body, a gorgeous face, long legs, and eyes that can mesmerize……..I mean goddamn!
I can’t go on enough about this one. This is the type of girl who makes a guy think (or say) things like “I would drink her bath water” or “I’d eat a mile of her shit just to see where it came from”. I’m not even exaggerating, as I have LITERALLY had those thoughts, as disgusting and vulgar as they may seem.
I’m dead serious when I say it would take the jaws of life to pry my mouth off of her vaginal area if I got a chance to be down there. I’m pretty sure she tastes like strawberries and rainbows, and only God himself knows exactly what rainbows taste like.
There ya have it folks, the 4 indisputable reasons why Taylor Swift would make the best girlfriend.
Disagree? Oh well.
I’ll Shake It Off and write something else in the Blank Space, but Taylor……you’re in my Wildest Dreams baby.
Also, sweetheart, if you read this email me. I’ll be waiting.