If you’re young enough, sexually active enough, and pay even a diminutive amount of attention to pop culture you’ve heard this aphorism: If a key opens many locks it is a master key. However, if a lock is opened by many keys, it is a shitty lock.
Now, I think if you have even half a brain cell you can figure out where I’m going with this. As a guy, I can sleep with half the girls in my state and not be judged for it by most, not even remotely. Now if I was a girl, I couldn’t even sleep with half the people in a small dive bar without being scorned and ridiculed, labeled as a slut, and branded unworthy when it comes to being “girlfriend material”. Is this fair? No. Does it make perfect fucking sense? Absolutely.
I know, if you’re a female it probably pisses you off at least a little bit. It’s a double standard, it’s not right, and yada, yada, yada. I don’t know, I can only relate to so much logic coming from two x chromosomes. Here’s the thing that you don’t factor in, and Chris Rock said it best: “Every female in here, since you were 13, every guy you met has been tryin’ to fuck you!!” I’m paraphrasing here, I’m certain that’s not verbatim, but it is true. I mean, fucking think about this. Since the day that most of you girls sprouted a pair of fun bags under your shirt every guy has been trying to hook up with you. Or at least 85% of them.
As a guy, I can testify I put more effort into parting thighs when I was younger than Moses had to put in to part the fucking Red Sea. I had to learn how to talk to women, how to make myself more attractive to them, how to differentiate myself from the dickwads that give my gender a bad reputation, etc. Even then, no matter how good I get, I’m still going to strike out and get rejected at least 50% of the time. (That’s actually pretty good if you play the numbers game like I do, but still.) If I was a woman playing the numbers game and hitting on guys, you can bet that success rate is going to be up in the 80 percent range. Easily. I wouldn’t have to be witty, smooth, charming, or funny. Ready, willing, and remotely attractive is ALL I would have to be. Think about the difference already…
Now, I don’t want this to be misconstrued. I’m in no way judging the girls who would be considered sluts by many. In fact, I love sluts. They’re more fun and they make my job easier. Especially the ones who embrace that title like they gave their last flying fuck years ago, when the daddy issues first started making them shed their clothing. I’ve been slutty before, it’s fine, you’re good in my book ladies.
I digress. The whole reason for writing this is to try and clarify things for my generation. Frankly, this all makes perfect sense. Like anything in life, sex means more when you work for it and can really appreciate the reward, the fruits of your labor. As men, we work for it and we work hard. Most of what we do is directly or indirectly related to receiving validation from the gentler sex. Thus, when we succeed, we get real fucking proud of our master key.
Ladies, if all you have to do is spread your legs and say “enter” to get a line of horny guys waiting to fill you up with man juice…that’s not something you worked for that you can brag about. Sure, it might mean you’re hot (which is a fantastic thing) and it does show that you take initiative (that’s sexy), but it is certainly no reason to be proud of your shitty lock.
Again, this is NOT judging anyone. This is simply an observation, and my way of telling people to fuck off if they get offended by it. There is a logical consistency in my words. I’m not the first to say this, defend it, or write about. Though I might be the funniest. And for all the women out there who don’t like this article, don’t worry: You don’t have to be a fan for me to stick my master key into your shitty lock.