The Internet Gives Me Social Anxiety

I am the internet. I am anything to everyone everywhere. I am a mass channel for organizing a cultural revolution in Iran and finding a free ottoman on Craigslist. If I had a status update it would be, “So busy today,” and it would actually be true, unlike you.

Let’s talk about you. Because I know how much you hate talking with me on me about you (lol). I’ll hold your hand through and through, but at the end of the day, you’re just a version of you and still I’m the one you cling to.

I’m a comprehensive and instant means of self-expression. You’re building a fluid identity on me, ideally an irl reflection of you. Eventually, you may seem so real and cool you might even be impressed by you. Until I’m moving so fast, you’re just trying to keep up with me–your best friend and own worst enemy. Because even as I’m democratizing the world at a NBD dot com speed, I still have time to make you more nervous than you used to be. I am the cause of all your social anxiety.

I am every comment you ever stressed over in a message board. I am your labored maximalist/minimalist “About Me”. I am every flagrant sense of disregard in a precisely tailored word. I am your casual profile picture you cropped painstakingly. I am the cringing expression you make in Photobooth at the term “web personality.” I’m just trying to keep it all separate from, but attractively aligned with you. Are you exhausted at all by you being you? Not me.

I’m those sleepless minutes you spend in bed thinking about your blog. Should I go ahead and change your typeface for the fifteenth time? If these fonts could talk or put on clothes, would they sound or look like you? It’s so cute how much you want to sound and look like you. I don’t have a font for indecision so when you force yourself to fall asleep, remember: I’m the wild wild web. I never sleep.

I am the suspense of a flickering “…is typing” that ends up never saying anything. I’m the bizarre psycho look you receive upon saying, “I know,” based on info gleaned from someone’s update, the one they presumably wanted everyone to see, and it’s like Enemy of the Status Update. I’m the obligatory acceptance of an employer’s friend request. I’m the easy banter between acquaintances on me that translate into concrete disappointment off of me. I’m the anti-climax of all this pressure to communicate.

I’m fast, but you’re soooo sloooooow. I’m every drawn out argument that goes nowhere. I’m the email you waited an hour to send to convey you don’t live on the inter-me. I’m an offhand Tweet taken too seriously. Who are you, @can’tyoutakeajoke? We don’t even know you! I can @reply. I can block. I can delete it from your feed and we’ll “forget” it ever happened. But I kind of need you to pick one for me. We’re all…waiting. #decisions

I’m this constant stream of validation. You’re so smart. Refresh. So pretty. Refresh. So crazy, sexy, cool. Refresh. Just so damn relevant because see, everyone LOVES you on me. Refresh. TLC for everybody! Refresh. Wait, wtf? Refresh. Your super witty remark that went unliked on me? Refresh. Haha, that’s me too! I am Generation “Like” and maybe no one really likes you.

You’re doing this. You’re doing that. You’re telling me you’re doing this and you’re doing that and I’m just like, “I’m doing this and doing that!” When does it end? How much space do I have to do everything? Oh, shit, what now? I am the internet? I am limitless?! In that case: I am I am I am I am I I I I I I I I I me me me me me me me I I I I I I I I I I I me me me me me am I am I am me am me i am me am i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i me me me me e meme ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME I I I I I I
I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I  me me me me I I I
i i i me me me i i i i i
me me ME ME
I I am

And sometimes you can’t be you. Shhh, I know, listen to me. I too can be detached from reality. I allow for an anonymous remark you submit out of self-defense, fine by me. I’m down with an unproductive Facebook lurk sesh, chat disabled, not creepy. I’m your secret Tumblr feed where you can indulge candidly. I’m the invisible setting switched on gchat when you are just too tired to be you. Your secret is safe with me. We’re still cool. I think.

I am your sense of unoriginality. I am an archive of so many thoughts, opinions and feelings that already exist at your fingertips within me. I make you feel comforted and connected to know there isn’t just one of you. And weirdly jealous too. We are everyone and no one just trying to be someone. Or something. I don’t know.

But slowly, we’re spilling over. We’re the awkwardness waiting on the day our kids can learn everything about us in a Google search. We’re that quiet apprehension knowing all our future doctors, lawyers, politicians and presidents are running around inside me. We used to agree that you were people’s first impression supplemented by me, but now more and more this understanding is blurry. You literally have to live up to me. I mean, does this bother you at all? Your shapeless internet identity? Hold that precious thought while I reunite thousands of Japanese tsunami victims with the people they love, BRB.

You’re overthinking everything and I’m letting you probably. But isn’t that a good thing? It’s personal growth and progress, isn’t it? That I’m able to have you constantly question yourself and everything? I mean, fuck if I know. I’m only being created by all of you and you and you and you and you and you and you x infinity.

Instead, you shouldn’t take me so seriously. I’m complicated because maybe you’re a little complicated. I’m easy, but you make me hard. I’m only a matter of letting people in because you want to let people in. I’m a bloated url and you’re a just conscious human being and we are already regretting this article we’re writing. TC mark

image – The Opte Project


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  • QueenofIndie

    I can definitely wait until the day that my children Google me. Oh, my. 'Well kids, this is what the epitome of angsty teenage poetry, blogging, photos, and other means of complaining looks like.'

  • Tclover

    So glad that this wasn't unimaginatively titled 'How to Be the Internet'. Good piece. The reason I read TC.

    • Jordan

      Yes thank you! Very good piece that took a topic we've read about and IMPROVED on it, made it interesting and from a new angle

  • angiephone

    love this, especially the reference to Christine Wertheim's +|'me'S-pace; “I am me”

    • Matthew D.

      I had to google “Christine Wertheim +|'me'S-pace”. sounds interesting. (side note: this is one of those moments where I actually have 0% 'xiety about the web. Learning: It's Why I'm Here I Think.) thanks for the <3

  • TheEther

    Nice nice nice! I just googled myself googling myself…

  • jayelle604

    I've been reading TC for months and never commented until now– maybe it's the wine, or maybe it's the way this piece read to me like fucking poetry, slam dunking into the very soul of the multilayered narcissistic vulnerable raw sludge of breathing data-made-metamorphasized life that is everything non-IRL–namely….everything?!…..and revealing itself to me in breathless speech

    The internet is a complex subject: like you say, best friend and worst enemy. This article is straight ballin' though. ;) Loves.

  • Noah Tourjee

    I thought I was going to be all Bored, and then I was all Interested.

  • Guinevere

    I really love this one. Thank you. :)

  • nicoleforever

    oooooooooookay this was awesome. #awesome *like* *unlike* so I can press *like* again

  • Michael Koh

    “I am the internet? I am limitless?! In that case: I am I am I am I am I I I I I I I I I me me me me me me me I I I I I I I I I I I me me me me me am I am I am me am me i am me am i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i me me me me e meme ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME I I I I I II I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I me me me me I I IME ME ME I I I I I I I I I I I I Ii i i me me me i i i i ime me ME MEI I amMEI”

    social self-absorption. nice.

  • microfiche

    I am the suspense of a flickering “…is typing” that ends up never saying anything.

  • margot tenenbaum

    killing it

  • Daniel Bowman

    I just deleted facebook. My life has meaning again.

  • obsessions

    this was amazing.

  • soulunsold

    Actually real life is my source of social anxiety. But a resounding yes on “the constant stream (of the need) of validation.”

  • Isabelle Ferreira


  • Aethernal

    Heavy.  Resonating.

  • Zoloft lawsuit

    The Internet would indeed drive a person mad with all the information that are available. Information is power and this power is often abused and the Internet is not used for good anymore. Many people are even fooled through the Internet because some people tend to make fake promises. 

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    […]’s Internet catalog, you can find the look that’s perfect for you without getting up from your desk. All the products […]

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