Feminists: I call upon you today with a request that we table the white, middle-class tirade against the sciences of mathematics, economics, and nutrition, and we — for the next four minutes — redirect that energy to the Middle East. The Islamic Extremists of ISIS are operating with the intent to create a worldwide Caliphate within which they’d impose Sharia Law on modern society, and anything you’ve heard to the contrary is the pusillanimous pandering of pompous, pseudo-intellectual, “politically-correct” parrots. ISIS is spreading this Caliphate with fear, violence, and Toyota Tundras.
Why do I call on Feminists?
Because according to a loophole, ISIS believes if a woman kills them, they wont go to heaven and receive 72 virgins, but rather will burn in hell for eternity. So much so that the Kurdish female forces are reportedly “laughing” as ISIS soldiers flee from them. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Across the Atlantic we’re witnessing the most atrocious acts of sadistic violence and sex slavery the modern world has ever seen. How, I ask, can you sit behind a computer as an educated and compensated woman, endowed with suffrage and the inalienable rights we’ve deemed self-evident, and cry foul at issues of body-image when a perversion of human rights so regressively archaic is actively stripping women of everything you stand so passionately to protect? And especially now, knowing that your mere presence has the power to send ISIS fleeing in retreat?
Under Sharia Law, your high-waisted shorts and exposed upper-midriff wouldn’t just be an arguable fashion faux pas. It would be grounds for getting arrested and imprisoned.
Here’s my 3-step plan to eradicate ISIS:
1. Spread the Word:
If step one went according to plan, you’re likely reading this for the fourth time on Tumblr after signing a petition that calls for the president to assemble a female anti-terrorism unit.
2. Push ISIS to the Sea:
Mobilizing on four-wheelers in the tens of thousands, women will ride from Kuwait in the East, Egypt in the South, and Iran in the North as they corral ISIS towards the coast of Syria. Once the word spreads through the Middle East, the buzz of the four-wheelers’ engines – echoing across the desert like a swarm of locusts – will send chills through their spines, causing them to flee in the opposite direction. And yes, this is the same way the Japanize poachers sonically corral dolphins.
3. Trap them from the Sea:
ISIS will run towards the horizon line, but just as they ascend the final hill before the ocean, they see it. Thousands of armed women spread atop the world’s 142 decommissioned aircraft carriers which coat the water like giant silver Lily pads. Hung below four female-operated Harrier Jets, a giant LCD screen displays a live stream of Lena Dunham’s impassioned request for their surrender, which they’ll have no choice but to accept.
Feminists, I know what you’re thinking:
“Sending only women to fight isn’t equality!”
And I agree with you, which is why we’re sweetening the pot with two provisions:
1. Equal Opportunity:
For every woman who volunteers to stand up to ISIS, a man will be required to join. As you’re riding through the desert, men will be right behind you in equal numbers.
2. Wage Gap:
Not only will we grant you the fallacious claim that women make $0.23 cents less for every dollar that men do, we’ll GIVE YOU $0.23 more for every dollar a man makes for the next 20 years. That’s right, as soon as the anti-terrorism unit is deployed, every woman in the United States will be required by law to make more than a man, and employers will be forced to hire men and women in equal numbers.
I know this is a lot to take in right now, but consider the historical magnitude. Third-wave feminism will go down in history as the bravest, most monumental stand for human rights since WWII. Lena Dunham and Tumblr will stamp their names into the pages of history. Little girls everywhere will feel stronger, more empowered, and more inspired than ever before.
Feminists, we stand behind you. It’s time.