I don’t know why I keep doing it, but every Monday I scroll through Instagram during my lunch break, thinking somehow it’ll be a good idea. I can’t tell if I have another case of ‘The Mondays’ or if I’m becoming a misanthrope; either way, my current mental state tells me I hate these things:
1. Instagram quotes
Please? Please stop with the Instagram quotes, both in large block letters as well as pretend handwritten letters. They don’t make me feel empowered or think you’re deep; they just make me think you’re not totally sure you should follow a certain mantra unless you get 10 or more likes.
2. “Rough day at the office.”
If your caption is something like that, and it’s of you sitting in a bean bag chair while drinking a beer with your coworker, and this is a common occurrence, keep it to yourself. I’m truly stoked for your happiness, but being that you know your job is more ‘chill’ than most, posting an ‘I love where I work’-caption once a week makes me kind of hate you. I don’t want to hate you.
3. “Work hard, play hard.”
This is quickly settling amongst “haters gonna hate” on the list of phrases most commonly used by overzealous douche-bags. Congrats, you’ve dumbed life down to the same mantra that could’ve been used by the migrant workers in Of Mice and Men, but even Steinbeck wouldn’t make his characters that unlikable. If “Work hard, play hard” is your caption or hashtag, and your picture is something like a lion inscribed with the words “Let’s get it, Monday!”, I’m assuming you listened to the Rocky theme song on the way to work, sped through traffic, pulled into a parking spot, closed your eyes for a couple seconds to mutter something to yourself, then white-knuckled your steering wheel and yelled “Let’s GO! Let’s fucking go, Monday!” If that’s what it takes to psych yourself up for work, I guess you should keep doing it, but leave it off of Instagram because it’s an embarrassing visual.
4. Any quotes about living your passion
If you’ve been playing music your whole life, went to the Berklee College of Music, and now you’re producing Ellie Goulding’s new track, show me a picture of that because that’s awesome. However, don’t tell the world they can live your life if they only followed their passion, because that:
1) assumes everyone currently has a passion
2) assumes every passion can — and should — be monetized
3) presumes you’ve figured something out and the rest of us are the feckless bourgeoisie, like you’re the shining example we’re all supposed to look up to when we’re the same fucking age — hold on, my nose started bleeding.
5. Frequent vacation pictures
If it’s the middle of March and you’re on your fourth vacation of the fiscal year, standing on the edge of a yacht with your arms outstretched and a caption that says “This is freedom,” first of all, who took that picture? Did you really hand your phone to someone and pose like that? Somehow you’ve managed to escape the 9-to-5, two-week-vacation life that’s a reality for most people, but you don’t need to rub it in my face when a bead of sweat drips down my leg and I’ve been staring at a computer screen so long my eyes are drying up and it takes several, face-scrunching blinks just to make out that I won’t get home in time for the game. That’s rude. Especially if you’re only on that vacation because you’re hot and some decaying, rich dude paid for you and your friends to accompany him.
Jesus, I need to stop looking at Instagram on Mondays.