Dear guys in your twenties,
We have a problem. Everyone sucks. It’s common knowledge that even full-grown men are just giant children with jobs and apartments. But it’s getting ridiculous. Listen, if you’re not in college and you’re not totally relying on your parents for support, it’s time to nut up and learn how to be a man. And not just a regular man. No, let’s strive to become a bona fide gentle-man. It’s easy, I swear. Here are a few tips to make this transition into actual person-hood smoother:
1. Stop wearing hats inside. If you’re bald and wearing that stocking cap is your trademark style, eh, maybe. But otherwise, don’t wear your ball cap at the dinner table in a nice restaurant. Or a shitty restaurant, for that matter. You look like a frat boy with no class and too much of your parents money. So stop.
2. Be nice to women. And be honest with them. Don’t keep stringing that girl who’s in love with you along if you know it’s never gonna happen. It’s not nice. And if someone is just a fuck buddy, be up front about it. Don’t be rude, but make sure you’re on the same page.
3. Wear a watch. Adults wear watches, even though cellphones can tell time. They’re really the only piece of jewelry a man should be wearing and guess what, your boss or your client or your investors will notice if you’re not wearing one. And they’ll notice even more if you’re wearing a well-chosen, well-made timepiece.
4. Save. Adults save money. And invest it. Or they pay a little bit of that money to someone else so that their money will get invested wisely. The stock market is scary and confusing, but millions of people invest in stocks every year. You can too. Stop spending your entire paycheck on pot and GrubHub.
5. Learn how to behave in public. When you meet strangers. When you’re out by yourself. Behave.
6. Stop buying cheap clothes. Men do not need 37 polo shirts. Men do not need 20 pairs of pants. Men’s fashion follows only a few classic principles. Spend a little more money and buy things you can wear (and that will last) forever. H&M and Old Navy do not fall into this category.
7. On that note, stop buying crap. Ever see a truly successful and happy person with a messy apartment or workspace? Probably not. Order begets productivity and also makes finding a little tranquility easier. So pick up after yourself and stop buying clutter. You’ll be much happier and be less embarrassed to have people over.
8. Realize you are not the most important person in anyone else’s world. Only two exceptions to this one: you and your mother. Otherwise, calm down, shut up, and get to work. Nobody cares about your shit. And nobody cares if you succeed or not so you better take matters into your own hands.
That should get you started. And now, next time I see you on the subway platform I won’t have the overwhelming desire to push you onto the tracks. So that’ll be nice for us.