What Your Favorite Pizza Says About You

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Cheese

I can only imagine how small the sample size is for this demographic. Your life lacks variety altogether, and you are probably entirely dependent on ranch dressing for any type of stimulation. You watch CNN on weekends and work at a bank.

Pepperoni

You are a pretty level-headed person. You get along with your friends. People like you. You aren’t the type of person that asks for olives, because you don’t want to alienate yourself. I like you too. Maybe we can hang out some time.

Hawaiian

Get the f*ck off my couch. What’s next, are you going to say that you don’t want breadsticks? Have you ever been to Hawaii? I’m 78% sure the Hawaiian mythology of putting pineapples on an otherwise sweet-free food was created by an old Italian man that was having an extremely difficult time selling his pineapples. Thus an idea was born, and what started as a niche, slowly evolved into a cultural phenomenon seemingly to spite all culture.

Greek

First off. Weird choice. The only thing worse than having a refined palette when it comes to a basic comfort food like pizza, is trying to show off these skills in front of your friends. The only redeeming part of this whole thing is your appreciation for an oft-forgotten variety of cheese – feta. Feta is often relegated to a super-specific variety of salad when really it can function in a nice charcuterie or even better in an omelette. You started liking feta cheese when you were about 14 years old and you never looked back. You are also starting to warm up to olives – congrats!!! – just not on your pizza.

Pizza Topped With Sardines

You are widely disliked. It is a well-known fact around your friend group that your hygiene is wanting and your breath is toxic. You are wearing drawstring shorts and a BBQ stained white t-shirt (but not the type that should inspire imagery of a Tim McGraw song.)

Deluxe

Wow you are a really complicated person, but I admire how you let your interior life bleed into your choice for pizza. Not only does deluxe sound like something befitting royalty, it has veggies and meat and cheese, which is to suggest that it leaves nothing to chance. You are invariably getting nutrients, protein, and calcium.

Pepperoni, Mushroom, Green Pepper

Hi, my name is Matt. Nice to meet you. Would you like to get married? I’m imagining a pizza themed wedding with Totino’s appetizers, Pizza Pops as entrees, and Oreo pizza cake dessert. Papa John will officiate the wedding, and after we have exchanged vows he will proudly declare, “You may kiss the Pizza.” Our wedding will be, naturally, in Italy or Chicago. Depending on if you want our honeymoon to be of the thin crust or deep-dish variety. I would prefer deep dish for the not-so-subtle innuendo but it’s really up to your because your Dad is paying for it. TC mark

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