I love Valentine’s Day. It’s so monumentally important.
I met a tourist last week. I think he was from Canada or Asia or somewhere… and he asked me, like, what it was all about.
Basically it’s like, you NEED to be with someone. You know? Only virgins and losers don’t have boyfriends. Like, if you’re over the age of 12 and don’t have a live-in boyfriend right now, then you will definitely die alone surrounded by cats and possums and daddy longleg spiders.
Oh and you’ll be poor.
That’s why, when I found a living, breathing boy who liked World of Warcraft AND nachos… I LOCKED THAT SHIT DOWN.
We are so happy. Whether we’re shopping for soda, or hanging out, or calling each other to explain where we are at all times… it’s just so dope.
If you’re not in love then I don’t fucking want to know you. It’s like, are you gay?
So I told the tourist, listen, this is a special day where you grab your man’s sweaty hands really hard, lock on to his lazy eye, and hand him a card that shows how you truly feel.
Don’t be afraid to be romantic. Something like: