10 Ice Breakers For The Conversationally Challenged

DRINKING: Chartreuse liquor, Mint Green tea, Liquid Hydrocodone, Stellas and peanut butter shakes

EATING: Scallop carpaccio with uni and vanilla, 5 Guys burgers

LISTENING TO: NPR, Peter Gabriel, Nekrogoblikon

READING: William Blake, Marriage of Heaven and Hell: “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom; The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.”

WATCHING: Interiors (Woody Allens 1st drama. Made me want to carpet bomb the entire Upper East Side)

I hope you’re all doing well, getting your B Complex and avoiding the trappings of gangs, prisons, abusive relationships and organized religion.

The weather is turning beautiful, though sadly still too warm for my leopard skin cape. Perfect for shorts I’m told, but I’m not nine so I refuse to own any. Just got back from my friend’s speakeasy on Hudson St, where we were chewing on crocus stems, drinking Red Chai Vermouth, and talking about the legend of Aquatic Apes. Typical Tuesday.

Opened my mail to find an Architectural Digest feature on a SOHO penthouse by Nouvel — with a note from my Mom that reads, “Some decorating ideas for your new place!” Funny. She knows that I have the square footage of a pint of blueberries — that I could literally be in the bathroom taking a shit and reach over to the oven and bake a cake at the same time.

Meanwhile my spot in Chicago has been left untouched like a sarcophagus since last August. Just got this text message from the owner: “Made the mistake of looking in your bathroom. It looks like you’ve shorn a hound.” I guess he’s right, but c’mon “shorn”? Who even says that.

Contrary to the concerns of my family, I actually have been getting plenty of nature here in NYC. I have a tiny mouse that eats holes through my Heirloom tomatoes, and just yesterday I watched two doves fucking on my fire escape for 10 minutes.

Speaking of courtship, I received a question from Bradley (LUMIERE1979 on RaccoonSociety.com) asking: “Do you have any tips on finding the courage to approach strangers at a party?”


I’ve been to a number of parties lately where, just for fun, I’ve begun introducing myself as the heir to the SteakUms fortune. (I’ve also been making it a habit to saddle up to the oldest, most banged-up person in the room, or anyone with a limp, thereby making me look younger and healthier by comparison.)

I suspect that your social anxiety may be based not on a lack of self-esteem but on a lack of material. Vis-a-vis, concordantly, I’ve jotted 10 talking points guaranteed to prompt a friendly exchange, while at the same time showing that you are a man of potential depth and originality. 

Now where did I put my fucking sunglasses? DAMN THESE MINT JULIPS!


1. Katzenjammer is a German word literally meaning “cat’s wail” and hence “discordant sound,” used to indicate a general state of depression, bewilderment or in reference to a hangover. Discuss.

2. What would you do with a billion dollars? I’d have my dentist give me Jon Bon Jovi’s veneers. The exact ones. Taken out of his mouth and put into mine.

3. Many people in NYC seem to be doing a lot of heavy drugs AND a lot of yoga. Paradox? Discuss.

4. The famous wedding march “Here Comes the Bride” is actually a refrain from the symphony Lohengrin — composed by Wagner, an alleged Nazi. Discuss.

5. Why, in England, does it take 20 rich white dudes on horses and 30 attack dogs to catch one fox? Discuss.

6. Is semen considered meat or fish? How does this affect the sex life of vegans? Are you a vegan?

7. 5.4 million species of animals worldwide remain unnamed. Well? What’s everyone standing around for?

8. I just thought of a perfect name for a metal band: The Cuban Missile Crisis. Conversely, you know what’s a bad name, for a band or a person? Herman. Discuss.

9. Magellan was killed by a bamboo arrow to the face by one of Lapu-Lapu’s militia. Can we joke about that or is it too soon?

10. Enough idle chatter, let’s get down to the BIG issues: ‘Who are we?’ ‘Why are we here?’ and ‘Will Antonio Banderas ever make a movie that makes me say, “Hey, I actually have a vague desire to see that”? Discuss. TC Mark

image – ShutterStock

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