How To Spot A Fuckboy

2015 was clearly the year of the fuckboy.

No, they did not suddenly become a thing in 2015, as they have been around forever, but this was the year that we came up with an oh-so perfect term to describe them. These John Tuckers of the world come in various shapes and sizes and some are easier to spot than others. Yet, the fact remains that we have all dealt with one (or all) of the following fuckboys and their contact info in our phones have since been changed to poop emojis.

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fuckboy [fuhk-boi] (noun):

1.

A guy that you casually hook up with but passive aggressively resent

Your relationship with this person is driven by sex; without a sexual component, it’s likely that you and this guy would never interact. While you might catch a very mild case of feelings for this guy at some point, your logical self knows better and doesn’t let you get too emotionally attached. Basically, he’s your next best option on a Friday night when the wait time for pizza delivery is over 45 minutes. You don’t necessarily want this guy to be texting you on a Tuesday around 2 p.m., but for some reason it bothers you that he doesn’t.

2.

A guy that you can tell is no good to get involved with, but is somehow still charming enough to win you over

This guy is low-key obsessed with Nike, abuses emojis when texting and adds gym Snapchats to his MyStory. The signs that he’s kind of a d-bag are obvious, and yet you choose to ignore them, most likely because he gives you attention, he’s attractive, and he has an amazing body (for reference, check his MyStory). In your heart of hearts, you know what these guys are all about— like suggesting “Netflix and chill” without irony— but you still give it a try. You become emotionally invested to an extent, but your subconscious is in the back of your mind flailing like one of those blowup things at used car lots trying to warn you that it’s a terrible idea. Even when it’s over and you’re aware that his grade for being a person is at most a C-, you still think about responding to his 1:14 a.m. text more than you’d like to admit.

Now, to the most dangerous of fuckboys: The one that takes you completely by surprise. This guy is much more insidious. You 100% think he’s an awesome guy up until the very jarring moment that you realize he’s not.

3.

A guy that you perceive to be a genuinely good person for a variety of random reasons, but is later and very suddenly revealed to a total bag of shit

Have you noticed that when it comes to these kinds of fuckboys, we will literally find every reason to avoid acknowledging they’re a fuckboy? Think about it: How many guys that have toyed with your emotions at one point been “the cute guy that orders tea instead of coffee at Starbucks who asked for your number and typed into the red flip phone he had in middle school because he cracked his iPhone last weekend.” See? Meaningless details that have nothing to do with his character that you somehow equate to him being a cute/likable/trustworthy guy.

Sure, he may have completely blown off the bar you invited him to while he posted obnoxious Snapchats from one nearby, but hey, we’re all a little flakey, aren’t we? And he did have a lot of tests to study for the week after you guys went to that cute breakfast date on Sunday morning, right? Wrong. You don’t suspect that you are just one of many girls that he is currently texting and sending cute good morning texts to. In fact, it never occurs to you that he might be a fuckboy even in the slightest, because you’ve subconsciously started collecting a laundry list of reasons why he’s cute/good/totally worth the emotional investment.

Here are some of the random and completely unjustified reasons why you may have overlooked the fact that he’s a fuckboy.

  1. He has notably neat handwriting.
  2. He recycles, you think.
  3. He posted a cute picture of he and his kid sister on Instagram with some caption along the lines of “My #1 girl :)”
  4. He sends you Snapchats of really goofy/stupid faces.
  5. He smiled a lot when describing what his family does to celebrate Christmas.
  6. He made dinner for all of his roommates one night.
  7. He reads for fun.
  8. He paid for your salad from Panera once.
  9. He sometimes texts his Mom emojis.
  10. He, too, follows accounts of adorable puppies on Instagram.

And yet, even for all of these adorable and seemingly nice guy quirks, he still turns out to be another toadstool that lead you on and made you care a lot more than you feel comfortable admitting.

The bright side is this: Even though we will live our lives dodging, dating and eventually dumping fuckboys galore, they help shape our character and turn us into the strong, independent ladies we are destined to be. And at least there’s wine. TC mark

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