Today I Am Saying Goodbye To The Beautiful Chaos Of My Past

Chad Madden
Chad Madden

Stuck between my past and my present, I was sitting along the seaside watching the waves break and spread their waters softly over the shore. I noticed that the waves fell; withdrew and fell again, like my feelings for you.

I fell, like how the leaves from trees easily fall when a sudden wind blows cold. I withdrew, like when I suddenly fall asleep on a winter day and withdraw my awareness from its hypnotic fascination, allowing myself to wake up from whatever foolishness I feel for you.

Yet, here I am again falling, like how gravity pulls back things I try to throw.

I wrote our names on the sand but, what if the shore gets washed down by the waves?

I wrote our names on the trees, but what if they get cut down?

I wrote our names on benches, but what if they get painted over?

Still, I will never get tired and will still be writing our names because in this world of ephemera, you and I are the only constant.

I have doubts yet, one must release the grime built up inside to free their emotions like the ocean.

I want to flee these wings and fly like there’s no tomorrow. I want to free myself from this cage I have been in, since the day I met my past. I want to run away and never come back.

All I ever did was to wait. I was caged by my own feelings and waited for someone to unlock me. I waited for someone I didn’t have any assurance of. I waited for someone I thought would come back for me.

And as I was waiting, I’d never thought someone would dare walk in my life again. Someone once again giving color to the grimness of my life. I wasn’t exactly sure if my heart was in good condition now, but all I know is that I am happy.

Once again you strode into my life. But this time I saw regret and sincerity in your eyes. You held my hand as you were begging for me to come back.

“Why now?” That was the only question I wanted you to answer straight to my eyes but you didn’t even answer me directly.

“Why?”

I have a lot of “why’s?” now in life. It makes me realize that even nature; those restless waves, irregular trees and stars all out of line, show that chaos can be beautiful.

And yes, you were that beautiful chaos. But you are no longer that someone I would dare to give my heart back.

Today is the day I forgive my past and close my eyes. I can hear a river flowing inside me again, those waves of the ocean hitting my soul once again and indeed the sun shines, lighting up my darkness. TC mark

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