As I head into the new year, so many things come to an end.
One of the most relevant ones is my dysfunctional way of relating to men. Throughout my life, I have loved and I have loved with all my heart. I might have loved according to limited knowledge and resources, but my heart has beaten and bled for so many beautiful, broken souls.
I used to be the girl who was addicted to love. I still think I am and I have largely accepted it as one of my biggest flaws. I have also learned to love this flaw of mine, as it is a huge part of who I am.
I want to come to terms with my love and make room for more love next year. Which is why I need to write this confession letter and acknowledge each and every one of my exes, who weren’t really my exes.
P.S.H.B: Thank you for coming into my life as a distraction from my pain. I was so busy focusing on your mental health and life circumstances that I didn’t have to think about my brother’s alcohol addiction, my dad walking out on us or my mom’s complete emotional unavailability. Being with you was two years of hell. You not only abused me verbally but also physically. It is through your callous nature that I learned to have strong walls and boundaries. Later on in my life, I have found both to be effective in their own application. I am sorry for the loss of your dad and cousin. I am sorry it broke you to the point that you needed to take it out on me. I truly hope you find the peace and blessings you deserve. I don’t consider you a relationship, even though you’re the only guy who’s ever been faithful to me.
Z.M: Thank you for helping me get out of my abusive relationship. You were the first guy who made me laugh instead of crying. Thank you for letting me crash at your place when my Dad was visiting from Pakistan and vomiting his physical abuse all over me. Thank you for picking up my call the day my mom beat the shit out of me over a credit card that my Dad had maxed out. Thank you for helping me realize that what my family was doing to me was not normal. I know it was a tough situation because you had your own grief over your late father and recent break-up with the love of your life. I am so happy we were able to hold a space of compassion for each other instead of judging. You were exactly the guy I needed in my life at that time. Thank you for defending my character to your female best friend, who was hell-bent in making you break up with me due to her own insecurities. Thank you for sticking up for me when she falsely accused me of having an STD. Most importantly, thank you for giving me hope that not all men are monsters.
R.K: Our fling was truly the highlight of my University Life. You came into my life when things were just beginning to get interesting. I was becoming stronger and gearing up for a promising career trajectory. I was losing weight and gaining an amazing GPA in my last year. You were even smarter than me and always caught on to my sad moods before I even said anything. You always cheered me up with your crazy antics. You were the first guy to tell me that you Loved Me. I had so much fun smoking weed with you and your brothers and clubbing all over Toronto. You were truly the Life of The Party. And while I will always be fond of your cheeriness, I knew our time was up as soon as we Graduated. I hope you are still with your Australian Girl and living the life of inner authenticity you always craved. I hope you are finally in your heart and in yourself like you always craved to be.
You get a full name due to the imprint you left on my soul. I remember you ever so radiant, warming my heart with your blinding white teeth and softness.
You were Masculine in your field and a Diva in dealing.
I remember we talked for 15 hours straight from the first time we matched our dinner. You wanted to take me to the most expensive restaurant in the city and I was too broken to say yes. Instead, we went to the movies and I analyzed Julianne Moore’s acting in Kingsman: The Golden Circle the whole time there while you let me hug you for two hours straight. You were funny. Not as funny as me, but hella intellectually strong and funny. You were the first guy I told about my dream to be on SNL. You were the first guy who believed that it was possible.
I don’t know why we didn’t end up together. But I waited for you for a year. I didn’t date anyone. I was head over heels. So that’s why it broke my heart when I saw pictures of you with your girlfriend all over Social Media. I thought you said you wanted me too but needed time. I thought we had clear communication. There is still so much left unsaid.
I know she makes you happy. I can see it now. I cried over you in the club for three hours straight while other guys came by to console me. So I know my love was true. And I hope your new love is nothing like your old love. I hope this time it allows you to shine, instead of making you black and blue.