I Only Loved One Person In My Entire Life

I loved a man once. I only loved one person in my entire life. I loved him since I was six years old. I’ve been in a million relationships. I’ve been an infamous cheater. I was always very loyal until my first, long-term, boyfriend died of drug overdose. Three weeks of using drugs and then—dead. Maybe it fucked me up or maybe I have daddy issues. I know my brother has mother issues. He can’t stay loyal for the life of him. The only man I loved, I should have waited until I got into a relationship with him. I was too young, too high, and too crazy. Unlike today where I am mellow, solid, and not nearly as high. And today I’m loyal. Cheating disgusts me; thus, I disgust myself. I must stop, before I loose faith. My life is a prison, ironic, considering I’m looking at prison time. The last time I was in jail, I stopped breathing at times thinking about the one man I ever loved knowing he was gone.

Today my life is often happy, often sad, often defeated, and often peaceful. Some days are filled with bliss. Other days are filled with misery. I have so much potential. I am a woman with passion. I am a woman that has so much to offer. As a former addict, when things go wrong, all I want to do is escape. Escape from reality. I have people around me who care about me. The people I care about are not around. If only the right side of my brain was the one I had talent in. Then, I would be a scientist and be the first person to make a time machine. I would go back in time and change my life. Big, big dreams, things I want to do someday. I’ll have to work with what I have. Passion, love, concern, and one day learn how to be a great writer.

I lost the man I love. It’s easy to find someone to love again. It’s just difficult to be in love again, when you know he is not the one you were supposed to be with. Not you’re soulmate. I know I had my true soulmate once. I didn’t just ruin it. I burnt it, crashed it into a ditch, lit it on fire, and kicked his heart so hard it busted out all the love that was left in there. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Eleazar

More From Thought Catalog