Riding on the metro, in the maze of my mind, an advertisement drapes itself into me. Enclose me: a public service announcement from the Y to “Get Healthy Now.” – Sign up now! How can anyone be healthy when we’re all dying?
If I get better, what waits for me? As a little girl, I recall, the involution. On my first day of school, I felt like my hands were on fire; my hands itched with this itchy fire. I was twelve, maybe. And the Tourette’s. Those physical convulsions that came from somewhere, but, hit out of nowhere. The inability to do anything, to listen, to follow basic instructions. Then they started me on the drugs. And I felt… not great, but alive and superhuman. I felt the blood pumping in my body.
Looking back, I find it so adorable what we do to these Deleuzian children. They used to give babies heroin to keep them quiet. Look it up, it’s a fact. Now they give them Adderall or Wellbutrin. Or whatever is vogue. It’s amazingingly amusing; I like how evil the notion is, how we are destroying their brains. I love the kids who think it is helping them. Of course it is helping, you little shit, you’re on a powerful narcotic. The solution is the complex. The drugs are the solution. What people don’t understand about evil is that evil is like the movie Inception: what makes it so potent is how it invisibly evades, enwraps you, without you even knowing it has happened. It’s science! It’s a prescription! Doctor knows best…
I wonder, what would happen if I got better? The older addicts I know – they’re office assistants, a janitor, cosmetologists. I could become that, I could overcome this – but to what end? To the same end: an old body, a dead body, dust.
For you were made from dust, and to dust you will return. Difficult to see the point. Walk to the bathroom. Enter the zone. Never come back. Leave… The Permian–Triassic extinction event happened 252 million years ago. It wiped out something like 90% of all biological life. Google it. The Earth doesn’t care about us…
What do you love when you love me? No soul, just chromosomes. No heart, just fleshy machinery. All of this, while sweet and special, is ultimately meaningless, right? There is no lovely order, no benevolent force, no redemption. There is just us and the coolness of natural selection, the extensions of man, the apathy of nature – this great dying. Humans bond together, this creates the social, the social is designed to help humans in groups fight against large animals. Modern humans distort this emotion, call it love. Call it God. Call it anything that conceals its sinister underbelly.
Hope. Forward. Nah, we’re all just dying animals. Every delay of death is a delay of life. So let’s start living. The solution is the complex.