1. Buy yourself flowers. Put them in a vase. Forget to water them. Use them as a metaphor for your faith in finding love.
2. Write a love letter to Drake. Because he deserves it for all them lyrical feels he induces. Better yet, call him on his cell phone. He’d appreciate it.
3. Make a reservation at a fancy restaurant. Make it for two, and then make a scene when your imaginary date doesn’t show up. You might get free dessert from the wait staff, but regardless, fellow diners will get dinner and show. Consider yourself a performance artist.
4. Call your ex. Just do it. Who cares if they have a new girlfriend, let’s stir things up! No point in being complacent in leaving the past in the past.
5. Adopt a cat. Or a fish, dog, raccoon, child, etc. Prove to the world that you don’t need anybody to keep another body alive.
6. Go out and buy yourself some new underwear…so you don’t have to face your fears of actually doing laundry.
7. Try a new hobby! Like smoking cigarettes, yelling at children in the street, or becoming an internet troll.
8. Get tested for STD’s. Sure, why not! Get some peace of mind (or alarming confirmation) so that you’re all ready to go for the next person who comes along.
9. Order a pizza. Just they way you like it. You don’t have to deal with a partner’s pleas for extra cheese and double olives with gluten free crust. Screw that, you’re getting double meat with extra sauce because this is your pizza. ALL YOURS.
10. Update your LinkedIn profile. Your career is all you have now, loser.
11. Buy a jumbo bag of M&Ms from Costco. Organize them by color, then mix them all up because you don’t care. Eat them all in one sitting, then call your mother asking her why you are the way that you are.
12. Go to Sunglass Hut. Grab the hottest pair of sunnies they have because you need the best UVA protection to block out all of the haters.
13. Make a vision board. Cover it with pictures of Bernie Sanders because no one else “Feels the Bern” more than you.
14. Dance. Dance like no one is watching because, quite literally, no one is. You are alone. ALL ALONE. You can practice the dance moves from the “Sorry” music video as many times as you want until you perfect it.