The boat is sinking, group yourselves into two… and then I’m left to wonder, why can’t I just save myself alone… perhaps save myself from him?
I don’t know how it happened, but I looked at him while he’s steadfast asleep and it just clicked. Something gut-wrenching that’s been trying to get out for awhile now. Something I have always shunned because I was so scared to lose him. But here I am and I can’t even remember – what is it exactly that I am actually trying to hold onto? Why am I even trying to keep someone who would not think twice of walking out on me?
On most days, I would tell myself that he’s just tired, he has other things to deal with, not everything is about me as he always say. On most days, I would remind myself of all the things he had done, his patience towards me, and that he loves me, he cares. But then on most days, I still convince myself that this relationship is still worth the fight… even if it feels like I’m the only one who wants this. Because really, why do I always have to dismiss the hurt? Why do I always have to invalidate the disappointment? Why do I have to say it over and over again that he would always be there for me? Yet the hint of doubt can never be concealed. Clearly, these things shouldn’t even be my thoughts at all if he’s actually there for me to begin with.
Have I become this insecure and desperate girl that I would settle for the littlest of attention one could give me? For the affection that’s the bare minimum? Am I so afraid of being alone that I’d rather be with someone who makes me question my worth? Someone who constantly makes me feel that I’m never good enough, that I would only matter when it’s convenient for him.
Am I not worth doing things for?
Am I not worth pursuing?
Am I not worth the effort?
Every day with him is a constant battle between feeling less of myself and controlling what could be too much of me. Every single day is like walking on eggshells, holding back the tears and mustering up the sweetest smile I could give. Day after day and parts of myself cease just for me to be able to grasp tightly on parts of him.
And now, as the boat sinks, my heart sinks along with it.
I stared at him and sadness started to consume me… the realization broke down every wall that my denial built just so my love for him would be left unscathed. All the hope, all the faith, everything depleted over time. And the only way to save my heart from burning is to let it sink in the waters, let my love for him drown.
I guess my happy ending doesn’t necessarily mean feeling anything at all… because as I watch him, as I gaze at his hand trying to reach mine, I feel close to nothing.