“Don’t get attached to someone so detached.”
I read the words over and over again, trying to remind myself of this loophole I’m in.
The one wherein I go after you, then hates you for neglecting me. Gets upset when you don’t even bother to respond to any of my messages, and then forgives you in a heartbeat for the minuscule attention you throw my way.
This is how I had been over the past year. Your mixed signals got me all messed up that I forgot how to even be rational. I always look beyond the obvious reasons why you and I will never happen, hoping that if I try to search further, I’ll be able to get something, even the littlest possibility that will prove me we are not a lost cause.
You didn’t intend to keep me on a string, of course you didn’t. Of course you’re unaware.
How can I expect you to see me the same way when clearly, I was the only one thinking there could be something, that you see me more than the girl you can occasionally flirt with when no one else is pretty or smart enough to keep you interested. Shame on my silly heart, really.
For months, I have wondered how it would be like to actually be loved by you. How it feels to have your hand intertwined with mine. I have daydreamed waking up next to you, snuggled between your shoulder and neck, your arms wrapped around my waist. I have adored the idea of us… for some time, I thought you saw me through my flaws. I thought we were special.
“Anything for you,” you’ll always say.
It was my bad, I should have not read too much between the lines.
This emotional tug of war is as exhausting as joining a cross-country triathlon. All I ever wanted was for you to tell me you feel the same, that your heart flutters at the sound of my laughter, at the sight of my smile… or if not, for you to at least put an end to this. Because truth be told, a persistent heart will forever be a stubborn one.
No matter how many times I tell myself that I’ve had enough, the moment my phone lights up and your image pops out, I automatically fall back to you. Like a sinking ship in the middle of an ocean, I let your words consume me. Your hands wrapped around my entirety once again. My heart always finding comfort in you as the salt water washes away the remainder of sanity in my body.
I wish we could be anything rather than this hopeless scenario, because I swear I could give you so much more. I could stay in love with you in this lifetime, and probably the next one as well.
I wish I can convince you to take the dive with me and hold my hand as we thread through the future together.
I wish you can see yourself in my perspective and realize how much I wanted to take care of you, how much I longed to be with you each and every day.
But most of all, I wonder if I tell you I love you… will you ever love me back too?
I wish you would. I wish you could.