The Five Songs For The Five People I’ve Been In Love With

A barefooted man and woman cuddle on a beanbag chair against wood paneling, near a guitar
Toa Heftiba / Unsplash

I. “Realize” (Colbie Caillat)

“Then we’d be perfect for each other, and we’ll never find another.”

The first time I understood what it really means to fall in love was with someone who I had known and was friends with throughout high school. It was funny how it took me some time to actually admit it to myself as I watch him fall in love from one girl to another. We did end up together, but as the foolish teenagers that we were who don’t even have any idea how to really make a relationship work, we had to grow apart. Truth be told, up to this day, I still consider him as someone I’ll probably marry and start a family with should the universe ever decide to be kind and finally lead him back to me. If that ever happens, he’ll then be the answer to all the heartaches I’ve been through. I guess that’s how a first love should be. A good memory which allows you to believe that falling in love is a chance you should always take. A reminder that you get to keep the best moments, even if there were bad ones that came along.

II. “For The First Time” (The Script)

“We’re smiling but we’re close to tears, even after all these years.”

If there’s one thing that dawned on me when it comes to love, it’s the realization that your greatest love will also be your greatest heartbreak. I’ve been with him for seven years, which at that time made it seem like forever. We knew every nook about each other that it was quite impossible to even think that we’ll ever get to the point of ending things between us. The best years I had were with him and I wouldn’t deny that fact. But I guess when you’re at that phase in your life of building yourself, you tend to prioritize no one else but you… and then you inevitably leave a space for someone else to take. I know what went wrong with our relationship. We may come off as a couple who have it all together, but that was never the case. We had it the hard way. We have so much on our plates that we created separate rooms to work on ourselves instead of working together. I’m not going to take it against him for falling in love with someone else, I did my best to make him stay and I really can’t do much when his heart is no longer mine. But I’ve learned a lot about myself with what happened between us. I learned how capable my heart is to love someone way too much that I don’t even regret the unbearable pain I went through. I’m still grateful for everything that he had sacrificed for me. At least I got to experience what it’s like to be loved genuinely… something that’s very rare these days.

III. “Take Care” (Drake ft. Rihanna)

“When you’re ready, just say you’re ready. When all the baggage just ain’t as heavy.”

I honestly don’t think you ever get to heal a broken heart. Even if the pain is gone, the scars will always be visible. You may feel okay, but you’ll never get to love the same way again. And that’s something I got to share with someone who held me up through my worst days. He was the comfort I’m always in reach for but never admitted it to myself. Have you ever had that moment in which you wanted to dive in head first, but suddenly remembers how bad you swim? I was there. I like having him around, but I can’t even get myself to trust any of his actions. I keep telling people how I was not ready for a relationship and that I needed a little more time to fix my messy state. The truth is I know in my heart that I just can’t bring myself to give it a try. So I decided against my feelings and told him that I’d rather have him as the good friend that he has always been. We remained friends and we still see each other from time to time. He would sometimes tell me how things would have been different if I had given him a chance… and I wanted to tell him that I did, I just changed my mind as soon as I thought of it. Because I love him enough not to ruin our friendship, and I don’t want to end up breaking his heart.

IV. “Uncover” (Zara Larsson)

“Nobody sees, nobody knows. We are a secret, can’t be exposed.”

We all got wrapped up with the wrong ones. Things were different between us. Despite my intellect coping up with his games and trying to pull me out of the quicksand, I still ended up falling for the bad news that he is. We were an odd match. An unlikely pairing of two individuals who don’t share anything in common at all. I have only dated the good guys, the responsible ones. The relationship type of men that you’ll happily introduce to your family and friends. And he hated good girls, the smart ones. Women who ended up asking for a ring that will go nicely with their wedding dresses. But for a period of time, we were happy with what we had, I was happy. We’ve exchanged long good morning messages, phone calls before going to bed, and the most sincere line we can get out of each other, “I’ll fall in love with you.” For a while, I wanted us to stay the way we were, hidden from the scrutinizing eyes of everyone around us. We never felt the need to explain ourselves because we know exactly what we were… and what we were not. He’s the good thing that I didn’t want to tell anyone about, because I knew back then that once it’s out, everything will be disheveled. We were contented in our own private bubble, and we’d rather stay away from everyone else. It was amazing until I came to my senses. Until I realized that all along I knew I can never be the girl that settles for uncertainty… but that’s the only thing he can offer.

V. “Why” (Shawn Mendes)

“And every line, every word that I write, you are the muse in the back of my mind.”

He was perfect that it scared me. I ended up overthinking, and now I regret not even telling him how I really feel. I can now admit how bad I am when it comes to making decisions. I have this habit of prolonging things, seeming uninterested or perhaps ungrateful, and losing chances I’ll probably never get to have again for the rest of this lifetime. It’s been a month now and I still beat up myself for letting him be with someone else. We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember, and we were never single at the same time until two good years ago. He had always been transparent about his intentions. I went around taking my precious time to leave love behind, only to realize how fast it was catching up with me again. He was patient with me and my lame excuses. He was willing to make it work even with the distance between us. I guess they’re right when they said that the only thing you’ll regret is the chances you never take, or that you missed a few good things if you dwell so much on the bad things. We are the cliché “almost” that I’ll only get to wonder about. He’s with another girl now and he seems happier with her. I call total bullshit on whoever claimed that you should be happy for the person you love, even if that means not being with you. How can you actually smile and show an unfeigned happiness when you can hear the echoes of your heart being shattered into pieces? It’s been a month now and I still miss him. It’s been a month now and I still love him.

Music is an art that carries the emotions I have no idea how I can even express apart from writing. When I’m at a loss for words, the best way out is to throw in a good song that clearly describes how I feel. And while there are songs that never fail to get me through my bad days… there are also those that leave me wistful for a moment. Songs that suddenly bring back fragments of the past. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

The Five Songs For The Five People I’ve Been In Love With is cataloged in , , , , , ,