I had often compared myself to everyone else I get to meet. I had a long list of insecurities one could not even imagine.
“But you’re always so confident, you can even be intimidating sometimes,” one of my friends once said.
I guess that’s where the phrase “fake it ’til you make it” comes in. Because that’s what I’ve been doing for the past years that I was seeking validation from other people… up until the day it took its toll on me.
Cliché as it may sound, hitting rock bottom, or probably a broken heart, is the best eye-opener one could have. I can attest to this because it was a messy breakup that led me into realizing that being enough is just state of mind. That what could be enough for you, others may find lacking. That trying to prove you’re enough is never a guarantee for someone or something to stay.
I have lost, I have gained… and yet I am still not convinced that I’ve reached the point where I could say I truly am contented with myself.
That’s precisely the reason why I’m not aiming to be enough anymore, I’m after being better.
Now this is the thing about being better, you’ll never know up to what extent better is. You just carry on with life, with your goals and all the things you think will satisfy you. You’ll never get there in my opinion, simply because human by nature is greedy. You set goals after goals just to get that fleeting moment of joy, until your desire for more kicks in.
I’m guilty of this. We all are, don’t you think? You might not admit it or might not have thought of it yet, but life is an endless cycle of working on yourself and wanting more. I’ve thought about it a couple of times and came to a realization that living is acknowledging change. How many times were you even told that change is constant?
Living is merely breathing and existing each and every day. Living is thinking every waking moment of your life that you are not enough, that fulfillment is a long way to go… and that’s okay. That’s every thought every mind has in this world full of expectations, disappointments and never-ending hopes.
When you get up and think that you are a lost cause, or you don’t know how to even fix the current situation you are in… remember that you are not the only soul who feels that way. That makes the two of us, and a couple of other people out there as well who feels that figuring out life is an equation only the smart ones get. But you’re not supposed to figure out life, your purpose is to live the life you’re given. To do it your way and not how others want you to.
I used to be the girl that cares way too much and gives so much of herself. At the end of the day, I have nothing left. It exhausted me to my core. When I was at that point in my life that I thought being accepted will make me feel better, I couldn’t even recognize myself anymore. I was a person who changes her mask depending on the people she’s with. I have no identity, I was so desperate to please everyone around me that I can’t even differentiate reality from lies. I did not feel better, I was disgusted with the person I became.
Apparently, no one stayed because no matter how hard I tried, for them I was not enough. The void swallowed me whole and I can’t even save myself… and then I woke up one day thinking that I’m done with everything. I’m done trying to be enough for everyone.
I put myself back together and started working on bettering my life. I do as I please, and it felt as if rediscovering myself. I started selfishly loving my own heart. I am a work in progress and I don’t even know half of what I’m doing with my life, but I feel alive. I feel happy even with the little things I manage to hold on to. If this is not being better, then I don’t what else this is called.
Better is not you achieving your goals to prove something. Better is not the amount of money in your bank account or the number of places you’ve visited. Better is not portraying a happy relationship with everyone around you.
Better is being real and honest with what hurts. Better is admitting to yourself what you can and cannot do. Better is messing things up for a number of times and learning on your own phase. Better is loving your life even if the rest of the world favors you or not.
Better is waking up thinking that it’s not another day to start fresh…but another day to learn from.
Go on, wonder. Go on, wander.