Tick… Tick… Tick… (erase, erase, erase)
I don’t even know how to start this whole thing without even tearing my heart into pieces… again… for the nth time. But I clearly know the answers to all the whys. I am aware of where it went wrong. All this time, it’s right under my nose, I just have the habit of dismissing the obvious.
1. He left me because I was a nagger.
It was impossible to make me stop talking unless he gets up and do what I asked. We can bicker all day about his work and how he’s throwing away opportunities, good ones… always the good ones. Because for him, growth and interest should go hand in hand, which he insisted that I would never understand. I was always antagonizing him. In his mind, I never saw his efforts.
But I was a nagger because I cared… I’m sorry if I dwell so much on caring for his well-being.
2. He left me because I barely have time for him.
Apparently, I was too ambitious. That’s what he often tells me. I have unrealistic dreams that I work my ass off for. I focus on them way too much that I don’t even appreciate what I have now. I was never contented, I always crave for more and my thirst for success seems to be unending.
But I was striving for all of those because I want him to be proud of me, of what I am capable of… I’m sorry if I was working on myself for a better future with him.
3. He left me because I was an emotional mess.
My eyes do waterworks faster than the faucet. I can’t even finish a sentence during an argument with him without breaking down. I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m angry. He would say something to point out that I was wrong and I would cry about it for hours until my eyes were swollen and I’m all flushed. I’m a walking drama queen and I have a lot baggage that he would rather not deal with.
But my emotions always skyrocket at the thought of him leaving… I’m sorry if I was so scared to lose him.
4. He left me because I was needy.
I would skip breakfast unless he’ll eat with me. I’d rather stay home and sleep until my fever was gone than go and see the doctor alone. He would need to drive two hours daily just to spend half an hour with me. I’ll wait for him until midnight because I need him to tuck me in bed and watch me fall asleep. I can’t decide on my own, I never even tried to do so. He always had the last say on almost everything, and he got so fed up with having to take care of me.
But I was needy because I was head over heels in love with him… I’m sorry if I made him a part of me.
5. He left me because he was still in love with the girl I was.
Unconsciously, he would tell me how he misses the way I was towards him. How I used to laugh at his jokes and how he found comfort in my smiles. On most days, we would talk about our relationship, not how it was at that moment, but how we got together and the things we used to do. It’s as if he was talking about someone that he used to know, someone he longs for.
But I was no longer the same girl because we were no longer the same couple… I’m sorry if growing in this relationship became growing apart with him.
6. He left me because he fell in love with someone else.
It was something that I know is about to happen, something I was anticipating. I couldn’t even stop it no matter how much I wanted to. I was staring at him and he was already a different person, he was no longer mine. His presence made my heart ache, he made me feel guilty… as if I was making things hard for him than it already was. I just had to let him go.
But he couldn’t stay in love with me because he had let me go long before our relationship ended… I’m sorry if loving him with all my heart made me lose the girl he was in love with.
7. He left me because we were never really for each other.
And even in a parallel universe, we wouldn’t make it out together… intact and happy.
I was aiming to be the best there is… and I apologize if I was too much for him.