I’m Sorry But I Can’t Save Your Heart

“Baby we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true.” – Sam Smith 
Andrew Ruiz

It’s probably a bad idea to write while I have Sam Smith on my playlist, volume’s up to maximum, and I couldn’t even hear anyone or anything else to try and convince me that I am about to overshare my thoughts yet again. But hey… being an online writer for a year made me stop caring. Seriously. 

So here I am, about to say goodbye in the most honest way I could think of… welcome to your personal piece. You’ve always wondered when I’d write about you, or if I’d even write about you. Truth be told, I write about almost anyone who mattered and still matters in my life. This should suffice as an answer, right?

I hope you’re reading this, and I hope you’d understand.

I want to start with something sympathetic, like “healing is a process” or “better things are coming”, but I was in your shoes a year ago, and believe me, I know how empty each and every statement being given by other people could feel. I’m not saying that they don’t mean it, it’s just that I don’t appreciate any of it at that time. A broken heart is a stubborn one. It does not help, nor do they make me look forward to whatever it is that they say is in store for me. I’m realistic to the point that my friends get annoyed at every churlish response I throw their way. And not that I’m ungrateful, but no matter how they say it… nothing can change the fact that I was the one who was left behind.  

I get how you feel, I’ve been there… and I’ll let you be. 

The only difference between the two of us is that while I was sulking around and shutting down every chance I could get to move on from the heartbreak, you were welcoming anyone who walks your way. 

Remember that time you told me that you’re completely over her while holding my hand? Nope, I don’t even believe you for a fracture of second.  

You’re a huge balloon of pain waiting to explode and it couldn’t be more evident. That’s when I realized that you just have so much love in your heart that has nowhere to go or no one to give to. Believe me, I wanted to try… I just don’t think it’s best for you. Again, I’ve been there. 

I used to think that there’s a 70 percent chance that rebound relationships would actually work. Of course, I was wrong. Completely basing this on my previous relationship which lasted for a number of years. It did work out, but also ended in the most disappointing way possible. Let’s not make the same mistake again. It was a fiasco in a nutshell.

While it’s nice to be with someone to comfort you in your state of vulnerability, because misery always loves company, the lack of consideration for the other person’s feelings couldn’t be more unjust than it already is. Coping up with your heartache is not the same as getting someone to fill the void that’s haunting you. You’re not helping yourself, you’re disregarding the loss by letting someone hold that person’s place as a substitute… and you and I both know that person deserves better than just to be a quick fix. 

You can say you’re in love with me, but you can’t fool yourself. You have her name still tattooed on your lips. Falling in love to get over someone is not the best route to go. Please, don’t take that road. Fall in love because you mean it and not because you miss the feeling of being in a relationship. Don’t be so eager to find a home in someone else’s arms when you haven’t even found parts of yourself that you’ve lost along the way. 

So here goes the part where I would convince you to save yourself from the guilt of toying with someone else’s feeling… or maybe you’re not toying with my feelings at all. My judgment couldn’t be any better, and you probably have pure intentions, but it’s best to not force something that’s half-hearted. I know you get the point. We are both aware that a lot of thoughts about her still linger in your mind, and I don’t blame you for it. Bruised hearts hold on to broken memories.  

To be honest, you were a breath of fresh air and at the same time you reminded me so much of me… the need to validate myself at the time when I felt unwanted. That feeling of wanting to be worthy of something, of someone. The need to prove that you deserve to be fought for as well and not just pushed aside.

You could still seek validation, but it doesn’t necessarily have to come from someone else. You can find your self-worth on your own.

Wake up every day and remember how it was waking up next to that person who broke your heart. Find the courage to breeze through the day doing all the things you used to do with her. Walk down the path of memory lane and let realization dawn on you that you are still functioning alone, you can still do things alone. You’re not the first person to get his heart shattered into pieces and you’re not the only person hurting. Take all that love you have and divert it to yourself. Work on yourself, not for anyone else, but just for you.

I’m sorry, but I can’t save your heart. It’s not that I don’t want to love you, but I want it to be real. Give yourself the time to heal first. This is the sincerest advice I can probably give you. I was able to do it, I know you’ll make it on your own.

And by that time that you’re all better and your emotions are anchored… if you still think of me and see me the same way, and probably want to try again, give me a call. Surprise me with your changes that I’ll surely look forward to. TC mark

Always a work in progress and in a relationship with words.

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