How are you, honestly? In the midst of all the mayhem this universe throws at you… how are you holding up?
I was asked these questions one too many times. I never really knew how to respond because I rarely think about the whole idea of holding up, the process of doing so, or if there is even something like that. Life hasn’t been in my favor so far. A couple of bumps along the way, heartbreaks and disappointments that made me think of all the things I have done in the past for life to put me in such situations.
I’ve given up a couple of times, to be honest… but if there’s one thing that I’ve realized, giving up is merely taking a break. It’s human nature to be exhausted, to want an end with everything… but it’s human nature to heal as well. Whether it’s taking a different path or completely leaving everything behind, one way or another, you would heal. Probably not in a way that you want to, but definitely in a way that you should and how life intends you to.
Healing is not a process. I cannot reiterate this more. It is not a list of things you’re supposed to do when you hit rock bottom. You don’t go through stages, and there will never be a confirmation or assurance that you have truly healed. If it would be easier for people to grasp the idea, I would say that healing is a constant part of your life, a way of living. Healing is getting better even from the shallowest and littlest of things.
You’re not supposed to pressure yourself into healing just to save a face. You do not rush yourself in getting up and standing on your feet again after falling from a skyscraper. When your world gets shattered, you are a pool of mess… and that is normal. That’s how it is supposed to be.
Healing is your messed-up self after a long day of trying.
Healing is the emotional wreck you had been after crying your heart out.
Healing is your drunk state at two in the morning when all the memories knock on your door.
Healing is the sleepless nights you get on some days that you feel alone.
Healing is your heart breaking into pieces at the sight of someone.
Healing is the idea of forgetting without the capability to do so.
Healing is your unconscious way of still mentioning what has been and what could have been.
Healing is the hard slap of reality in your face as it shoves the truth down your throat.
Healing is your entirety being knackered from trying to heal bit by bit.
Healing is the push you get to climb up again and the pull that consistently lifts you regardless of how deep your fall had been.
Healing is your own self realizing that life goes on, scars fade and clean slates will always be possible.
There will be days that you will feel or think that you may never actually get out of the pain that swallowed you whole. Days where in even waking up is unbearable, that even trying to smile is near impossible… but we all went there and there’s a possibility that we’ll have to go through it again. Pain is a cycle as much as healing is. You can’t avoid them both. You just let them in, stay for a bit and let them pass in time. It would probably take a couple of months or years to finally claim that you no longer feel the burden of loneliness, anger and indifference. It would even probably drain you to your core… and I’m telling you now, you will fail numerous times. You will give up over and over again, and you will even pity yourself along the way. But it will be worth the struggle. All of these will be worth it once you see how you’ve learned and how you’ve grown accustomed to the pain that it does not even faze you anymore.
You are not a lost cause, and you will never be.
Allow it to take its toll on you… allow yourself to take the course of healing on its own phase.