Break ups and death have more similarities than one could admit. The most obvious among all is that both draw an end. When someone dies, a life ends. When a break up takes place, a relationship ends.
The first girl walked in just right after our break up.
She’s the girl that refused to believe it’s the end. I think it’s a common reaction when you’re dealing with loss. You deny the reality of the situation. She thought that giving it some time will change his mind. “It’s just a bad day,” that’s what she kept saying to herself. She was still so convinced that he loves her more that anyone and anything in this world. She waited for days to wake up from the nightmare.
When something you can’t you see yourself without crumbles right in front of you, you’d close your eyes to avoid the sight of it. That’s your defense mechanism, you ignore everything that you don’t want to believe. And that’s what she did. She forced herself to believe that they can still fix their relationship and everything else will be okay.
Two weeks after, the huge monster of pain materialized in front of me and the second girl barged in.
A photo of her ex and a girl made rounds on a social media site. When she caught a glimpse of it, the pain re-emerged, and anger came along with it. She was dumbfounded and infuriated at the same time. There she was, trying to work on herself for him. Giving space he asked and believed him when he said that they would work things out.
Apparently, he had moved on and she was not even aware of it. She hated him for breaking her heart. She hated it when people claim that she deserves better. She blamed everyone for the break up that took place because that’s easier. Put the blame on everyone else except for herself. Because it’s easier to hate on life than pretend she’s happy.
She spent days doing everything he hated. She would go home drunk multiple times and would blame him for being miserable. She liberated herself from all the remnants of their relationship. She resented everything that has to do with him. And there were even times that she desperately prays for karma to serve its purpose and make him regret what he did. There are times that she’ll feel guilty for being angry, but this only makes her angrier. She’s angry at herself for still thinking about his well-being when he did not even think twice of making a fool out of her.
Eventually, the hatred became too exhausting as it took its toll on me, then came the third girl.
Here’s the girl that stayed the longest. She was an empty shell wandering through the motions of life day by day. She’d wake up and question herself why she even bothered opening her eyes. Too overwhelmed with everything that happened, she doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. Yet, no matter how hard she tried, sadness was the only emotion her body was familiar with at that time. She skipped work for a week and avoided all her friends. Everything was just too much for her.
She cried herself to sleep each night praying so hard for God to make everything stop. She wanted to feel numb inside. She wanted to be numb from the pain, the doubts, and the disappointments. She can hardly recognize herself anymore. She was drowning but has no intentions of being saved. She was scared of what’s becoming of her, but at the same time, she already considered herself a lost cause.
These are the things that some people did not realize when I was this girl. They call it drama, but what they don’t understand is I’d do anything to not be in this girl’s shoes. They expect you to cope up with the pain in a mature way… but is there even such a thing? No, there isn’t. You cope up with pain by letting yourself go through it. You cope up with pain by acknowledging its existence.
The fourth girl made her way in my life after I received a text message from my ex.
It’s as if all the crying and sleepless nights did not occur, she suddenly became hopeful. She started reminiscing and started thinking of the possibility of them getting back together. Then came the long days of begging and chasing. She would happily settle for anything as long as she would remain a part of his life. Even the most doltish idea of being the other girl was good enough for her. It’s funny how she was once the girlfriend, and yet she would consider being this shallow.
She sent out long sappy text messages and called him numerous times. Until all the rejections piled up, until her heart got tired of waiting, of hoping. Until all that’s left to do was let defeat sink in.
This is what we all do. Strike a deal with God to avoid the reality. The truth presents itself and yet, you still look for anything that you can hold on to. You are so afraid to start over and let go that you’d rather have your heart tormented. But you cannot postpone the inevitable. End one way or another will always be the bottom line of everything, be it good or bad.
The fifth girl was the unwelcomed one… and probably that’s the reason why she was the last one.
Meeting her was an eye-opener. I was okay to settle with being all the other girls except her. She carried the truth, after all, the one that I’ve ignored for so long. But despite all the things she went through. she was the girl with a heart so much better than the rest. I avoided her because she scares me. She was the idea of continuing life without him and being at peace with what happened. She still had a hesitant heart, but she dealt with pain in a clearer mind. She was the girl with all the willingness to make herself better. Not for anyone, nor to make her ex-realize his loss… but just simply for herself. She was ready to look for the silver lining. She was ready to embrace the beginning of an ending.
Taking a leap of faith is the most emancipating thing you can do for yourself. Take that leap of faith in starting over. Instead of forgetting the pain, bring it with you and let it hone you into a person that knows her worth. You deserve an endless possibility of happiness. Everyone does, even the most damaged soul.
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
– Alexander Graham Bell
Do not live in the past, do not miss out on the good things just because you were thinking of the what ifs and the what could have been. Here’s the thing about life in general, about relationships, about yourself… how things turned out, are how they were supposed to happen. You cannot keep reminiscing and hoping that maybe if you did one thing differently, a better outcome awaits. No, it’s not like that. What did not transpire was not meant to take place in your life. I had a hard time accepting this fact, but really, you just have to go through it. No shortcuts, no temporary fixes. Nope, I didn’t feel any better… not yet. But it did make me realize that life is just life as it is. It’s not always going to be in your favor.
Lighten up and just continue living. Bad days don’t last…and so are heartaches.