25 Things Left Behind From Your Dark Days As A Mall Goth

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Mean Girls
Mean Girls

1. A pair of pilled and gray-footed black-and-white striped tights.

2. Your last half-a-jar of Manic Panic’s Pillarbox Red hair dye.

3. The ticket stub from your first Mindless Self Indulgence concert.

4. One Emily the Strange arm warmer, the other one probably lost in a Spencer’s Gifts somewhere.

5. A somehow chewed up bottle of liquid black eyeliner from Walgreens, which you used to make yourself look like a drugged panda.

6. A Siouxsie & the Banshees tee you bought, even though at the time of purchase you had yet to listen to Siouxsie & the Banshees.

7. Invader Zim pillow cases.

8. Invader Zim blankets.

9. Invader Zim tea cozies.

10. Invader Zim tampons.

11. Actually everything Jhonen Vasquez ever drew, wrote, or coughed on, and its subsequent merchandise.

12. A mug with the ‘South Park’ Goths that states, “Life is Pain,” which you still drink from ironically. Or not ironically.

13. A Photobucket account filled with 436 pictures of you and your friends drinking Big Gulp cherry slushies in front of 711.

14. Diabetes. See: Big Gulp cherry slushies.

15. A vagina-bearing black and plaid mini skirt you can’t believe your mother let you wear in public.

16. A gigantic pair of Tripp parachute pants you can’t believe your mother let you wear in public.

17. An aggressively fine black shirt by Morbid Threads that you’re pretty sure you can make it work with the right styling, but still haven’t worn since 2003. Truthfully it’s weird it still fits, because Mallgoth body types are usually limited to either skeletal thin or land whale. It’s just, you worked really hard to get past that, it doesn’t really make sense.

18. Generalized low self-esteem.

19. A burned copy of AFI’s “Sing the Sorrow,” with the track list written on the CD in sharpie so there’s zero confusion.

20. A long-standing rapport with the employees at the IHOP in your home town. “Rapport” here meaning they say, “Wow, you’re still living here, didn’t you graduate college like a year ago?” and you say “Wow, you’re still WORKING AT THE SAME IHOP FOR A DECADE NOW?” You know. With your eyes.

21. A half punched Hot Topic punch card.

22. Botched piercing holes done with a thumbtack, never closed up properly.

23. A Livejournal publically documenting five years of angst mixed with the Quizilla results of “Which Happy Bunny phrase are you?”

24.  A spiked bracelet you hid from your parents, and it’s hidden SO well you only assume it’s still in your room.

25. An ungodly amount of Nightmare Before Christmas-related Christmas presents that continues to accumulate, including the Jack Skellington slippers that your dad got you this year. After you put it on your list. As you close in on your 24th birthday. Whatever. TC mark

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