All I wanted was an apology. I had to give an extensive explanation and justification for this, and it was harrowing. It wasn’t exactly that big of a deal, not an issue to discuss as much as I wanted to (because I’m a woman, and women want to talk about every single detail, please), but an apology would have made it all better.
Long story short, I did not get any. Not one. I may have heard tiny bit of mumbled words here and there, but that was after my long-drawn-out monologue. The moment has passed.
And at the end of the day, I had to live with it, not because I did not have a choice (of course, I did, I could have carried on arguing and nagging and freaking out over nothing ~ I didn’t), but because I knew for a fact that deep down the cracks and crevices of my heart, I had nothing for the person but love.
It’s not easy, because you have your pride, too. Your ego is important, too. You have your self-esteem, self-importance, self-worth, self-respect that you want to preserve, too. And you know it in your heart that a minuscule of an apology was something you were more than entitled to, more than qualified for. And it would have made you shut your mouth up.
People are so different from each other. You may think of one thing now, and the other person will think the total opposite of it. And that’s okay. Because, you know, at some point in your life, you will find yourself loving someone who is worth setting aside all these things that, back in the days, you thought, if consigned to oblivion, would make you less of a person.
It’s not that you’re forgetting about yourself totally. It’s just that, as the sun sets, you will realize that it’s not always about winning. You do not gain anything by wrangling over who is right or wrong. I know, I know. It’s so hard to drop things especially when you are at the pinnacle of your argument. You can just fling and hurl and toss all these words to the person, and then you win. A victor, the conqueror, it’s like winning a mobile game and hearing the voice over say “Victory!” after that last hit at the opponents’ tower ~ feels good. I know how phenomenal it feels to win a debate, it’s pretty freaking amazing, I have been there, too. Winning (and losing) football matches, passing difficult exams, acing interviews.
But as you grow older (and hopefully, wiser), you’d realize that life isn’t so much about winning these petty arguments anymore. That doesn’t make you any prettier or richer or taller, although I really wish it did. That’s just not how it works.
You love the person even with all of his flaws and shortcomings. Period.
And I’m sorry (because you deserve an apology) for bursting your bubble, but you cannot choose only the good stuff: bad days are inevitable. Sure, it’s difficult and it’s tiring and NOT FAIR. But that is how you learn in life. And it gets simpler as it goes if it is with a person worth sharing all of it with.
Maybe, sometimes, these little things you do right now will carry on being unrecognized. But know that the honor is actually within yourself: loving immensely as much as you could ~ knowing and understanding and exuding love. Be grateful and, even at times when it’s undeniably inequitable, love without bounds.
Remember this when you’re in an argument with someone you love. Be humble. Learn how to listen. Tear down that wall of pride and know this: Your love will always be greater than winning any argument, big or small.